


Forever

by winstonlives



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bingo prompt: asexuality, Complete, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Post every day, References to Depression, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-02 16:03:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16308323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winstonlives/pseuds/winstonlives
Summary: Dan and phil have been best friends since they were kids. As they get older, they realize they love each other as more than friends. The only thing standing in their way is Phil's sexuality and his acceptance of it.





	1. Like everyone else

**Author's Note:**

> This was really hard to write for multiple reasons. One being, I can not picture either one of them being asexual, however, if I had to choose one of them, it would be Phil. Another reason I found it hard to write, is because I am not asexual, but wanted to do it justice. I wanted to write it as realistically as I could, and still have them have a loving romantic and at times physical relationship. 
> 
> In this Phil has some issues with his sexuality, because he loves Dan, and knows Dan is not asexual. There is such a wide spectrum in any sexuality that everyone is different. Some people are completely adverse to anything sexual where others like sex just fine, they just happen to not be sexually attracted to anyone. As with all sexualities, it is fluid, and not one person has the same experience or relationship with their sexuality as the next. 
> 
> Also, i am very aware things that happen in this fic that are based on reality are at the wrong times and in the wrong order. I had to use some creative license. :P

Dan and Phil have been best friends for as long as their mothers can remember. If anyone were to ask them they would surely say since they were in nappies, however, that would be false information. Phil is, in fact, a good 2 years Dan’s elder. Phil was shy and playing by himself at the park one day, and so was Dan. Then Dan started talking to Phil, and the rest was history. 

Phil was sweet and didn’t care that Dan was so much younger. Of course, they became fast friends, as did their mothers, who also met that day. Soon their families were friends. Dan’s older brother and Phil’s older brother (although reluctantly at first) became friends, then their dad’s started golfing and going to the pub together. Once the dads were ensnared, the families celebrated holidays and went on weekend trips together. It was like the Lesters and the Howells were destined to find each other. 

Dan and Phil remained the closest out of them all, however, spending almost all their time together. They only were apart when doing things that made it impossible to be together, such as attending classes and sleeping. Kids at school teased them, calling them queer, and boyfriends, and pansy boys. While they were together it never really bothered them. They were a rock, strong and sturdy, nothing could penetrate their relationship. It was only when Phil went to a different school moving from primary to secondary and so on, that was when the taunting got to them. They never really spoke about it, because when they were together again it didn’t seem to matter. Nothing seemed to affect them. 

Nothing until Phil was meant to go off to uni. The weeks preceding his departure were filled with tears and hugs, sleepovers almost every night, and doubts as to whether Phil was ready for Uni at all. The day arrived, and Dan was there to see Phil off, they hugged for almost a half hour, and only ended when Mr. Lester honked the car horn for the seventeenth time. 

“Don’t fall in love with someone and forget about me,” Dan begged Phil as their arms held tight to one another. 

“I won’t, you too you know.” Phil said with an extra squeeze, “just don’t forget about me, and how awesome I am.”

“I could never love anyone as much as you, and you know it,” Dan said his lips brushing Phil’s neck, needing to feel just a little bit more Phil than he could with his hands. 

Phil didn’t notice, because he didn’t notice such things. He didn’t notice how Dan had looked at him since he was 11. Didn’t realize Dan made the conscious decision to sleep on the floor since he was 13, instead of sharing the bed like they used to. Why Dan no longer wanted to cuddle for hours while they watched movies, or binged buffy. He didn’t notice Dan getting frustrated at the nonchalant way Phil said they would always be together forever when Dan wanted it all to be true but didn’t believe it possible.

Phil arrived to his uni house and set up his room with his family, he called Dan that night and they chatted until Phil fell asleep breathing into the phone. Dan’s heart ached because he knew it as only a matter of time before Phil found someone better. Someone he would love in all the ways Dan loved him. They talked every day for the first few weeks, but then studies and parties started taking up Phil’s precious time. Dan dreaded the phone call when Phil met someone special. 

His first year ended, however, and Phil came back for summer, with no special someone to occupy his thoughts besides Dan. 

Dan was thrilled, and Phil was happy as well. They spent that summer together in their blissful little Dan and Phil bubble. Happy until the day Phil had to leave again. This time a couple friends of his and he were renting a house off campus. “Think of the parties Dan!” Phil said excitedly as he packed a moving box. “Maybe you can come visit over Easter hols.” 

“Yeah, maybe.” Dan sulked, thinking how this was definitely the year Phil found that special someone to occupy his mind. “Dunno if my parents would let me visit the ‘Lester and crew love shack’.” 

“You’ll have to try.” Phil said, sitting with Dan on the bed, “I miss you so much when I’m away.” 

“I miss you too,” Dan said, leaning his head over onto Phil’s always waiting shoulder. “Maybe by spring you’ll have someone else you’ll want to entertain.” 

“Like who? Martyn? No way, I only ever want you.” Phil smiled and then threw his arms around Dan. 

“Phil?” Dan said, trying to get out from Phil’s grip, “I mean like a significant other.” 

“Oh.” Phil stopped, and put some distance between them. 

“I mean, I know you want to find someone.” 

“Yeah,” Phil said, rubbing a crick in his neck. “I just don’t know if I ever will.” 

“Why not?” Dan asked, “You’re smart and funny and good looking, I bet there are prospective people all clamoring for Phil Lester’s attention.” 

“I wouldn’t say clamoring,” Phil shrugged, “Remember that one girl housemate who I talked about a few times last year? She and I played video games and stuff?” 

“Yeah?” Dan said, nodding. Dreading what Phil was about to tell him. “Why?” 

Phil coughed and stood up to poke a book on his bookshelf, “She apparently just played video games with me because she thought I was cute, and one day she leaned over and kissed me.” 

“Oh, okay.” Dan nodded, waiting to be told about Phil’s secret girlfriend. 

“I stopped her as politely as I could, but she’d surprised me, and it was so wet and gross. I just pissed her off though, and she hated me after that.” Phil sighed. “It really was too bad, because she was fun to play games with.” 

“You never told me about this? How many other hearts did you break and not tell me?” Dan said, trying to sound lighthearted, when in fact his heart was beating a million miles an hour, waiting for Phil to drop a bomb. 

“I don’t know about broken hearts,” Phil said, but there are a few girls who wanted to be with me.” 

“And?” 

“And nothing,” Phil said, still not looking at Dan. “And, I wasn’t interested.” 

“Oh,” Dan said, mentally jumping for joy. 

“I was kind of hoping to find someone last year,” Phil sighed, “but I just….” He trailed off 

“Not even any cute people interested you?” Dan asked, “Not one you would maybe want to take home?” 

Phil shook his head, “Not really.” 

“Well, maybe this year will be the year,” Dan said, trying to sound hopeful, even though inside he was crossing his fingers (selfishly) that Phil wouldn't. 

Phil left the next morning, and two weeks later he called Dan in the middle of the day, not at night like usual. “Hey, Philly, what’s up?”

“It happened again,” Phil said, quietly into the phone. “I wish you were here. I really just need a hug.” 

“What happened again?” Dan asked, slightly worried now. 

“There was this girl, Crystal, and we were talking at this party last night. I thought we were having fun, but then she complained that the music was too loud, and asked if we could go into a different room. So I said sure, and brought her into my room.” 

“Oh,” Dan said, knowing where Phil was going. 

“I normally can at least tell if a person wants me like that, I’m not completely useless,” Phil huffed, she was sneaky. I mean we were talking about teeth and how some people have really straight white teeth and they look like mannequins. That isn’t sexy, is it?” 

“No,” Dan laughed, “Not one of my turn-ons anyway.” 

“Yeah, I thought it was a pretty benign conversation. So, anyway. We get in my room and she just about pounces on me.” 

“Oh,” Dan said, thinking he really didn’t want to hear about Phil’s first time right now, but hey-ho, he wanted to be a good friend. 

“So she gets me pinned to the bed basically and is kissing me. All I could think was how uncomfortable I was and how I wanted to escape.” 

“Was she ugly?” 

“No, she was very nice looking, I guess,” Phil said, sighing into the phone.

“Oh. Okay. Was she a smoker or something? Bad breath?”

“No,” Phil said, “I just, I didn’t like it. But that’s, I guess, the problem.”

“Why?” 

“Dan, I don’t understand why I didn’t like it. Why don’t I want to, you know, make out with a nice looking girl?” 

“Maybe she was just not for you? Not your type?” 

“What is my type?” Phil said, “I don’t even know.” 

“You’ll know when you meet them.” 

“That’s the thing. What if I don’t have a type. What if I’m just a freak who doesn’t want to have sex with anyone?” Phil said and Dan could hear the panic in his voice. “I’ve never even seen someone I would like to kiss, let alone have sex with. I feel like I’m broken.” 

“You are very much not broken.” Dan said, “You are Philip Michael Lester, you are amazing in every way. Just because you haven’t found someone to have sex with doesn't mean you won’t.” 

“But,” Phil said, but didn’t continue. 

“But what?” 

“I don’t really want to have sex though. I like to cuddle and touch, but the idea of sex makes me feel a little nauseated.” 

“Oh,” Dan said, but then was lost for words. How was he supposed to make Phil feel okay about something he couldn’t understand. He himself wanted to have sex since the moment he first jerked off in phil’s bathroom. That night he slept over and Phil was a little too touchy-feely while they watched a movie. He not only wanted to have sex but to have sex with Phil. 

“Nevermind,” Phil said quietly, “Pretend I didn’t say anything. Maybe I am just a late bloomer like my dad said.”

“Maybe.” Dan agreed but didn’t really think so. “It’s okay to not want to have sex.” 

“It’s weird to not want it though.” 

“No, it’s not.” Dan said, “I’m very sure there are lots of people who feel the exact same way you do.”

“I feel like I’m the only one.” Phil sniffed into the phone, and Dan knew he was crying. “All the other guys talk about it all the time. Then here I am thinking about things like video games.” 

“It’s okay Phil, you don’t have to be like everyone else. I love you for who you are, and if you never have sex in your whole life I won’t feel any different about you.” 

“But one day you will find someone, and…” 

“And what?”

“And want to have them in ways that I can’t provide. A best friend doesn’t work out the way I would like since you will want to have sex with someone, you want that kind of relationship.” 

“I do, but that doesn’t mean we still won’t be best friends,” Dan said, his heart sinking a little at the thought. “I will always love you.” 

“As a friend,” Phil said, “And no matter how close we are, a significant other will be closer to you.” 

“You know what I want Phil?”

“Hmm?”

“I want you to be happy, and I want to be with you forever, and I promise that no matter what you will always be the person I am closest to.” 

“Don’t say that,” Phil sniffed again, “don’t promise things you can’t know for sure. I have to go now anyway, I need to get to class.” He hung up before Dan could say anything else. Dan tried in vain to call him back multiple times and sent him over a dozen texts through the remainder of the day, but Phil continued to ignore him.


	2. In the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil gets a little experience. The boys go through some rough patches. Mrs. Lester tries to help Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. 
> 
> Fair warning there's light smut, crying, and swearing in this chapter.

A week passed until Phil called him again. “Phil?” He said groggily into the phone. 

“Danny!” Phil said loudly into his ear, “Danny, guess what?”

“Hmm?” Dan said sitting up in his bed to see his clock across his room. “Phil, it’s four in the morning.”

“Is it?” Phil asked innocently, “Guess what I was just doing.”

“At four in the morning?”

“I was making out with this guy I met at the club.” 

“What?” Dan sat up straighter, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

“I wanted to go out and at least try making out.” Phil said, “So I did. I got drunk. I’m drunk.” He giggled into the phone. 

“Phil,” Dan said, “Were you out with friends?” 

“Nope, I went across town to the gay bar, wanted to see if it was better when I was drunk. And guess what. It’s not so bad.”

“Did you like it?” 

“Not really, but I didn’t mind it either.” 

“Phil, please don’t do that again. What if he wanted to do more than make out?” 

“Oh, he did,” Phil said, “But I told him I didn’t want to.” 

 

“Phil, you can’t do that again.” 

“Why? Maybe with practice, I could like it.” 

“Because one day some guy will not take no for an answer.”

“It’s fine.” Phil said, “I’m gonna go to sleep now. Night Danny, I love you so much!” 

“Phil!” Dan said, a little too loud for the hour, but it was no use, Phil was gone.

Dan tried to go back to sleep but wasn’t able to. He worried Phil would do something even more reckless. He decided to text him asking him to promise not to go out alone like that again, knowing Phil would see it in the morning. After a few hours laying in bed, he decided to get up and get ready for work, even though he barely had any sleep. He expected to have at least one text from Phil by the time he got out, he didn’t however and was hurt. He texted and called but Phil never answered. 

It was another week before Phil answered his phone. “Hi.” 

“Mother fucker!” Dan shouted, “Why the hell haven’t you answered your phone in forever.” 

“Been busy.” 

“Uh-huh. So busy, you can’t even talk to me for two seconds?”

“Did you want something, or...” Phil asked, “I was just about to go out with Kyle.” 

“I-no, who’s Kyle?” 

“Just a guy.” Phil said, sounding annoyed. 

“Like a friend?” 

“Yeah, I guess, I met him last week at the club.” 

Dan’s skin grew clammy, “The guy you made out with?” 

“Yeah.” Phil said, “Look we’re going to be late to trivia at the pub. Did you need something or can I go? Maybe you should go out tonight too.” 

“I,” Dan spluttered, “I, um, have fun I guess.” 

“Yeah, you too.” 

“Phil?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Take care of Phil for me, I want him happy and just who he is.” 

Phil paused long enough that Dan wasn’t sure if he had hung up or not. “Yeah.” Phil said, “I have to go, Kyle’s waiting.” 

“Okay, talk later?” 

“Sure,” Phil said, then hung up. 

Another couple weeks went by and Dan had given up trying to call Phil. He still texted, but more infrequently every day. He had begun hanging out with friends at home, trying to keep his mind off of Phil. His phone rang just as he was getting into bed. “Hello?”

“Hi,” Phil said, softly on the other end. 

“Hi, you okay?” 

“I dunno.” Phil sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“Are you?” 

“I am. I’m sorry I did that, I just needed some space.” 

“From me?” Dan’s voice was tight, his eyes pricked with unshed tears of hurt. “Why?”

“Because, I need you to find someone else, I don’t want to be the person who keeps you from having a normal life.”

“Normal is boring Phil, you always say that.” Dan said, silently tears rolled down his cheeks, “The life I want has you in it.” 

“But you want things I can’t give you.” 

Dan was quiet, “What happened to Kyle?” 

“He’s gone.” Phil said, “He decided I wasn’t worth the trouble.”

“Phil,”

“I mean I get it,” Phil sighed, “Why would you want a boyfriend who only held your hand, and cuddled while sober but allowed you to kiss him only while he was drunk.”

 

“Just kiss?” Dan asked, and Phil was silent again for longer than what was natural, “Phil?”

“I used my hands once for him.” 

“Oh,” Dan said, his stomach lurching. 

“I didn’t really mind I was pretty drunk,” Phil said, “But he didn’t like it that much, said it wasn’t what he wanted. Wanted me to want it too.” 

“I’m sorry,” Dan said, his stomach flipping. “So, he just left?” 

“Yeah, we broke up, but now I guess I know.” Phil said, “I liked him, but I didn’t like doing sexual things with him.” 

“Is that really so bad?” 

“I don’t know,” Phil said, “I just wish I could want you like that. Martyn said you like me like that, and have for a long time. Is that true?” 

“Yeah,” Dan said, nodding even though Phil couldn’t see him.

“I wish I could like you like that, I sometimes think I do. I love to be close to you, and touch you. I love to cuddle you, and sometimes, I have even thought of kissing you.” Phil said, “But sex, I don’t even know if I could want that with you, and if not you, then who? Who would I feel more comfortable with, or love more than you?” 

“You don’t have to though.” 

“But I want to,” Phil said, his voice wavering. “I spend all my life waiting for you to leave because of it. Because you will find the person you will marry, and I will just be the friend.” 

“Phil…” Dan said, so quiet he wasn’t sure if Phil could hear him. “I will never leave you.” 

“You will, and I will have to be happy for you because you are my best friend, and all I want is for you to be happy.” 

“That’s all I want for you too.” 

“I miss you so much,” Phil said, sniffing again, “I want to go home. I’m so alone here.” 

“I miss you too. I would love for you to come back, but you can’t, you have classes and I have classes and work,” Dan said, wiping silent tears from his cheeks, “We’ll see each other soon.” 

“Not soon enough.” Phil said, “Will you promise to hug me so hard my ribs crack when I come back for Christmas?”

“I promise.” Dan chuckled and wiped the snot off his face with the back of his hand. “I can’t wait.”

____

As soon as Phil hopped off the train, he saw a blur coming towards him, then was wrapped up so tight the breath was squeezed out of him. “Hi!” He said, his face tucked into Dan’s neck. 

“Hi you goof.” Dan said, pulling back to look at him, “I am not letting you out of my sight until you have to get back on that train.”

“Pooping is going to be very awkward.” 

“Okay, I’ll let you have twenty minutes a day Lester.” 

Dan took Phil’s bag and carried it out to his car. He had bought it himself at the beginning of the school year. It was tiny and red and barely stayed together without duct tape and glue, but it was his baby. Phil had only seen pictures of it, so when Dan had loaded it up with his luggage he made sure to fawn all over it. “Oh my god! Dan it’s so awesome! I can’t believe you own this beauty. “ He rubbed the sun faded dashboard. 

“Alright, let’s not go too overboard.” Dan said beaming, “Did you notice your window goes down only halfway?” 

“It does?” Phil asked playing along, “Why, how wonderful, especially in December. You do know I like a nice partial-blast of frozen air to start my holidays.” 

“I did it just for you,” Dan said, and they both started laughing. “God, I missed you.” 

“Same.” 

That night Dan ate dinner at the Lester’s and played games with them until everyone headed to bed. “You’re going to stay overnight right?” Phil asked as they climbed the stairs carrying a bowl of popcorn and a DVD. 

“My bag is upstairs already.” Dan smiled, “I’m not going home unless you kick me out.” 

“Well, then I guess you’ll be here forever,” Phil said, beaming. Once inside his room, they changed into sleep clothes, turned out the lights and climbed into his bed to watch the movie.

“What movie we have tonight, Philly?” 

“Zodiac. I know how much you like Jake Gyllenhaal.”

“Oh,” Dan said, wondering if it was a good idea to watch something with one of his wank subjects while sitting next to Phil in bed. He decided it would be fine, he wasn’t planning to sleep in the bed after all, so he lifted the duvet for Phil to join him. They watched the movie and munched popcorn until Dan’s eyes drooped and he fell asleep before the movie ended. 

Phil set the popcorn bowl on the floor, then turned off his television before snuggling down into the bed. He was so happy to be home, with Dan and his family. He sighed and closed his eyes. Almost asleep, he heard a small noise come from Dan. He turned to face him, to see if he was having a nightmare like he used to. Dan moaned low, then licked his lips. Phil wondered if he should wake him up, but then Dan breathed his name. He moaned again and rolled onto his back. Phil’s eyes traveled down to where the blankets were tented in the proximity of Dan’s crotch. “Dan,” he whispered. 

“M’Phil, missed you,” Dan muttered, then sighed as Phil watched the tent in the covers. “Don’t want you to leave again.” 

“Dan,” Phil said, a little louder. Dan continued to sleep, his mouth slightly parted. Dan sighed and Phil watched as the duvet started to move. Phil was frozen, was Dan touching himself in his sleep, while he dreamt of Phil? He sighed again, then said Phil’s name on a low guttural groan. Phil wasn’t terrified though. He was more curious, more than he ever thought he would be. He watched Dan’s face, the look of pleasure that crossed there. The little sighs and whimpers were starting to do things to him. He realized he was also hard, and that had never happened while thinking of someone else. He had touched himself a handful of times when he would wake up and his penis would be hard. He had never once become aroused from someone else, but this was Dan. Dan who he loved so much it scared him sometimes. “Dan,” he said, low and breathy as he stroked over his penis. 

Dan’s hand started to move faster, and Phil watched in interest, he wondered if he should wake Dan, or leave him sleep and see what would happen. He knew Dan would be mortified, and it would just make everything awkward. He realized he was enjoying it, he enjoyed watching Dan and listening to him. Was he really okay? Would he like to have sex with Dan? No, he thought, no, sex was still something he didn’t like. His penis flagged at the thought. But seeing Dan like this, and hearing the noises he made, that was nice, that was something he did like. 

Finally, when Dan’s breathing became more labored Phil decided he needed to wake him, Dan would hate that he was doing this in front of him and not be aware of it. “Dan,” he said again and gently shook his shoulder. Dan moaned again. Phil liked that, liked that Dan moaned at his touch. It actually made his own penis, jump a little in his pajama pants. “Dan, please wake up.” He said it louder, leaned in closer to speak in his ear. 

“Oh my god!” Dan sat up, he looked horrified.

“Hi.” Phil said, sitting up next to him. “I think you were dreaming.” 

“I um, oh Jesus, I’m sorry. Did I wake you.” Dan asked drawing his knees up to his chest under the duvet. 

“No, I wasn’t asleep.” Phil shook his head. 

“Um, I guess I should move to the floor,” Dan said starting to move. 

“Dan?” 

“Yeah?” Dan said as he looked around like a cornered animal, not wanting to make eye contact. 

“Can I try something?” 

“Like what?” 

“Can I try kissing you?” 

“I-what?” 

“It’s just you were saying my name, and it was nice, and because it’s you I don’t think it’ll be gross. I think it might be nice.” Phil said, “Would you do that for me?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Dan said, looking at him finally. 

“I was liking what you were doing,” Phil said, “I never thought that would be nice, but it was. I think it’s because it was you.” 

“Phil,” Dan sighed, “I would like to help you, but I don’t know if it really is a good idea.”

“Why?” 

“Because,” Dan said, “I don’t think it would be good for us.” Dan was scared, he wanted more than anything to kiss Phil, but he knew he would want more from him too, and Phil would not. 

“It’s the first time I ever got hard because of someone else,” Phil said quietly. “I think it’s because it’s you.” 

Dan’s own cock throbbed at Phil’s admission. The idea that Phil was turned on by him was thrilling and something he never thought to hope for. “Are you sure you want to?” 

“Yes, I need to know.” Phil said, scooting a little closer, “Please Dan.” 

“Okay, but if you hate it, or find it gross or something, you need to tell me.” 

“It won’t be.” 

“Promise me if you don’t like it you will stop me. If you don’t promise, no kiss.” 

“I swear,” Phil said crossing his heart with a finger. Dan smiled and leaned forward to press a quick kiss to Phil’s lips. He pulled back. “S’good.” Phil nodded, leaning back in and kissing harder, his hand coming up to cup Dan’s chin. 

Dan lay back, and Phil followed, their lips joined. He sighed into it as Phil, moved closer, partly laying over his chest. “Phil, we need to stop,” Dan said, finally, once Phil tipped his head and licked lightly over Dan’s lower lip. Dan was so hard it was uncomfortable, and Phil’s body pinning him down was not helping matters. 

“S’nice.” Phil sighed, then leaned down to kiss again. “I like it with you.” 

“Phil,” Dan said, turning his head in order to free his mouth. “Phil, I, it is nice, too nice.”

“Oh, sorry,” Phil said, moving off him and looking down and the tent under the covers. “Can I touch you?” 

Dan’s brain was about to set on fire, but he also knew Phil didn’t like doing that with Kyle. He didn’t want Phil to hate it with him. He didn’t want Phil to realize it was all a mistake and would stop because it was too much. “Are you sure? You said you didn’t like that.” 

“But with you it’s different.” Phil said, leaning down to kiss him again, “It’s you, and I love you.” 

“Are you sure you want to? I don’t want you to be upset.” 

“I’m not sure, but I think I want to. Look,” He pointed to his own crotch showing that he was also hard. Dan swallowed. 

“Remember your promise.” 

“I will,” Phil said, leaning up on his elbow, his other hand moved under the duvet until he felt Dan’s hardness. Slowly he felt over the material of Dan’s pants, his hand lightly gripping the shaft. 

“So?” Dan asked, trying with all his might to not move against Phil. 

“Not as nice as the kissing,” Phil said but continued with his hand. “Can I feel you, like without clothes?” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Not really, but I want to try.” 

Dan nodded then, not wanting to show how shaky his voice must be. Phil’s hand moved to the waistband of Dan’s pants and slowly slipped it under and down. Dan’s breath caught as Phil’s hand moved over his soft skin. 

“You’re so warm,” Phil said, his hand still moving slowly.

“Yeah,” Dan huffed out, “How is it?”

“Strange, but not unpleasant. You’re really hard.” Phil said interestedly, as he felt the tip of Dan’s cock leak a bit of fluid. “I think I liked it better just watching though.” 

“Oh?”

“I was liking the noises you made,” Phil said, “and the way you looked while you touched yourself.” 

“Do you want to stop?” Dan asked, hopeful Phil would want to continue. 

“I think so,” Phil said, “I think it’s getting to be too much.”

“Then stop,” Dan said, his muscles tight as he remained still.

“Can I watch you?” Phil said, “Can I see what you do?” 

Dan thought about it, thought about Phil just watching him, and if he would feel awkward. “If you want to. But your promise still stands, if you want me to stop, or cover up, you have to let me know. I don’t want you to be upset because of me.” 

“Okay,” Phil nodded, “I think it’ll be okay.” He pulled his hand away from Dan and lay on his side, in order to watch. He pushed the duvet down, so Dan’s cock stood free and erect off his body. 

“Okay?” Dan asked.

“Mhum,” Phil said, his eyes glued to it. “Want to see what you do to make yourself feel good.” 

Dan’s dick twitched at Phil’s words, and he reached down to begin stroking himself. He looked at Phil, watched as Phil’s eyes stayed glued to him. Dan drank him in, in a way he never truly allowed himself to do before. He always felt so guilty when he touched himself and Phil was in his thoughts. When he imagined Phil in bed with him, doing things to him. Phil licked his own lip as his hand moved back to Dan’s skin. This time though he just placed his hand on his hip, his eyes still watching as Dan continued to stroke over his cock. 

“Does it feel good?” Phil asked. 

“Uh-huh.” Dan nodded, his breathing a little more labored than normal. 

“Are you thinking about me?” 

Dan wasn’t sure how to answer that. Wasn’t sure if Phil really wanted to know. Or if it would make him uncomfortable to know Dan was, in fact, thinking of him. He decided he needed to be honest though, “Yes, I’m thinking of you.” 

Phil’s eyes moved quickly to Dan’s and he leaned forward again, kissing him. Dan moaned into it, even though he tried not to. “This I do like with you.” Phil whispered against his lips, “I like this, and I never thought I would.” 

“Phil,” Dan breathed, “Phil, I’m getting close.” 

“Are you going to come?” Phil asked as he kissed Dan once more before looking down to where Dan’s hand moved over his cock. Phil moved his hand from Dan’s hip, over to where the course hair started at the base. Dan groaned, as his body arched up as he came, shooting up his stomach. 

Dan panted and pulled a few more times at himself, before he was coherent enough to look at Phil, to check in with him. Although he was younger, there had always been times where he felt like Phil’s protector. This was one of those times. He tucked himself away and sat up, leaning over Phil, to quickly get a tissue to clean up his stomach. “Are you okay?” He asked as soon as all of his clothes were back in the correct place. Phil just nodded dumbly next to him. “Are you sure?” 

 

“I, I didn’t know that was what it’s like,” Phil said under his breath to himself. “That, yes, I’m, no.”

“No what?” 

“No, I’m not okay,” Phil said, and Dan could hear that sadness had crept into his voice. 

“Why didn’t you stop me?” Dan said, his whole body burning with embarrassment and hurt. He felt rejected even though he understood Phil didn’t mean to make him feel that way. 

“I wanted to see the end.” Phil said, “But, why can’t I be normal Dan? I liked it, I liked it with you, I liked watching you, and how you sounded, I liked the kissing and getting to be even closer to you. But then, then I touched you too much, I touched too far and…”

“And what?” 

“And I felt disgusted with myself, or just in general, I don’t know. I should have stopped, but I didn’t because I wanted to like it so much.” A small sob escaped his throat, “I wanted to like it so badly, but then, I just, it felt so wrong, like it was something that shouldn’t be happening, then you finished and it was like my brain stopped, and I just froze.” Phil started crying harder, his shoulders shaking as has he wiped hurriedly at his eyes. “Why do I have to be like this?”

“Phil,” Dan said, wanting to join right in, and cry with Phil. They would never have the relationship he so desperately wanted. He knew all those promises he made to Phil about him being his person forever now looked silly, like wishes a child makes with another child. But Phil was an adult, they were both adults and as adults, Dan wanted things Phil just couldn’t want. “I’m so sorry. I wish you would have stopped me.” 

“I’m glad I didn’t,” Phil said, sniffing, his sobs dying down. “I needed to know.”

“Yeah.” Dan said, “Would it be okay if I hugged you?” 

“God, please, please hug me,” Phil begged, leaning into Dan’s chest. Dan wrapped his arms around him and let him cry until he fell asleep. 

The next morning, Dan went home and didn’t stay over the rest of Christmas break. They hung out, and watched movies, ate pizza and unwrapped each other's gifts, but something had changed between them. A distance was setting in but knew neither was at fault. 

Phil returned to school after the holidays and Dan wasn’t there to send him off. Phil knew it was the beginning of a shift in their relationship and it would only be a matter of time before Dan found someone else. He was determined to distract himself by any means necessary, and started filming short videos with his friends and video diaries. He uploaded them to a site online and soon he had followers and friends from all over. He and Dan still talked, at least once a week, but it wasn’t the same. They both knew it never would be the same. 

On a Saturday, the month before summer break Dan called Phil around noon. “Hey, what’s up?” He said, sitting back from his computer, “We just talked two days ago, not too much could have happened since then.” 

“Phil, I need to tell you something before you come back home,” Dan said, his voice more serious than he had ever heard it. 

“Are you okay?” Phil asked, concerned. Thoughts of cancers, or deaths, or moving to Antarctica running though his mind. 

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m fine. I’m good actually. I wanted to tell you in person, but then I thought it would be shitty of me to wait any longer.” 

“What? You’re scaring me.” 

“I have a girlfriend,” Dan said quickly, like ripping off a plaster. “Have had for two months now.” 

“Oh,” Phil said, a lump forming in his throat. “Well, that’s good, I’m glad.” 

“I still plan on picking you up at the station, and nothing really has to change,” Dan said, trying to reassure him, but Phil thought it sounded like he was trying to convince himself too. 

“It’s okay,” Phil said, willing his voice to remain even. “I can have my mum pick me up. She’d be happy to be the first one to see me back anyway.”

“I want to though.” Dan said, “really. I don’t want anything to change.” 

“We can’t stay the same forever Danny,” Phil said, tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m glad you found someone. Really, but I have to go, I was just in the middle of editing my video I promised would be up tonight.” 

“Oh, yeah, okay.” Dan said, “I’ll see you soon then?”

“Sure, I’ll call you when I get back into town,” Phil said, letting Dan know he was not to pick him up at the station, but not saying it outright. He hung up and wanted to throw his phone against the wall so it would smash to bits. Instead, he just crumpled, sliding to the floor and sobbed until he almost made himself sick. He had never cried so hard in his life. He mourned their friendship, their relationship that could never be the same again. 

Phil returned home, and didn’t call Dan until he was there for almost a week. His mother asked why she hadn’t seen him yet. “He’s been busy.” Phil said, “He has a girlfriend now, so…” 

“I know that, but I figured he would have still had enough time to come and see you.” 

“I guess not.” Phil shrugged, feeling evil because he left out the minor detail that Dan probably didn’t even know he was home until that morning. “He’s coming over after work tonight though.” 

“That’s great.” She smiled and tapped his chin affectionately. “You two I’m sure have a lot to catch up on.” 

“I guess.” Phil shrugged. 

A few hours later Dan was knocking on the front door. The first time he knocked on the Lester’s door in more than ten years. “Daniel!” Mr. Lester said, stepping back to let him in. “Was the door locked?” 

“No, sir,” Dan said, looking around. “I just, I haven’t been here for a while, didn’t feel like I should just let myself in.” 

“You’re always welcome here, son.” Mr. Lester smiled and clapped him on the back as he shut the door. “Philip is upstairs.” 

“Oh, yeah, okay.” Dan nodded, “guess I’ll just go up there then.” He started to climb the stairs but felt as if he should at least text Phil to let him know he was in the house. As soon as he got his phone out of his pocket, however, Phil turned the corner. “Oh, sorry, I was just about to text you, tell you I was here.”

“Oh. Well, I see that you are, so you don’t need to text me.” Phil said from the top of the stairs. “You going to come up, or are we just going to hang out on the stairs?” 

“Ha-ha, I’ll come up there,” Dan said smiling, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes yet. Once he was level with Phil all he wanted to do was throw his arms around him and never let go. “Hi.” 

“Hi,” Phil said, his smile growing. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you too, you idiot,” Dan said, pulling Phil to him, wrapping his arms so tight Phil huffed out a breath. “Can you forget about uni already and just stay here?”

“Nah, mate,” Phil said, grinning as Dan still squeezed him, “My mum would kill me. She’d kill you too if she thought you were the reason I didn’t go back.” 

“True.” Dan nodded, burying his face in Phil’s neck. “God you smell good, like home, and Phil.” 

“You smell like work.” Phil said, laughing, “work and Dan. I love it.” 

“Same,” Dan said smiling against Phil’s neck. “I fucking missed this.” 

“Never let me go.” Phil wanted to say, but instead he, just nodded and pulled Dan towards his room. “I’ve got snacks and movies and pj’s all ready for our movie-a-thon.” 

“Great.” Dan said, sitting on the floor, “Let’s do this thing.” 

Dan never talked about his girlfriend the entire summer. Phil saw him less often, but when he did, he was fully with Phil. It was still like old times. Their friendship was easy as it ever was, and when the time came for Phil to return to uni, Dan was there to say goodbye and the hug was long and ended because Mr. Lester honked the horn at them one too many times. 

“You better call me as soon as you’re settled.” Dan said, his mouth just below Phil’s ear, “Tell me how the new house is and everything.” 

“Okay. I will.” Phil said, waving as he walked towards the car. He had every intention of doing so, but that night he and his housemates went out to the pub, then the next night he was talked into going to a club, the next night he fell asleep right after dinner. By the time he actually got around to calling Dan again a full week and a half had passed. He called, but Dan didn’t answer. 

A few more weeks passed before Dan skyped Phil. “Hi.” 

“Hi, you still mad at me?” Phil asked, picking at a string on his duvet. “I meant to call you I really did.” 

“No, I’m not mad,” Dan said shaking his head. “I was though. I was so mad, but then I gave up on it.” 

“On what?” 

“On my anger. I can’t stay mad. If I do, I don’t get you when I can. So it really is just punishing myself too.” 

“I’ll try harder not to make you mad.” 

“Good.” Dan said, “I will too.” 

______ 

Phil came back for Christmas and even though they had been able to keep their relationship pretty normal during the summer, winter proved to be more difficult. Dan wanted to spend time with Phil, but also with his girlfriend. And she wanted to spend their time off of school together as well. “Would it be possible if Erika came over one night?” Dan asked as they watched a Christmas movie in Phil’s room. Phil stopped laughing as if Dan had slapped him across the face. “I mean, if you don’t want to meet her, I guess that’s fine. I just thought it would be nice for you guys to meet. I would like for you to like each other.” 

“If it’s important to you, yeah, sure, why not?” Phil shrugged, he acted cool and collected but inside his mind was screaming “abort abort abort!!” 

“Good.” Dan beamed, “This way we can see each other more often. Plus I think you’ll like her.”

Phil smiled and nodded, then looked back at the screen, his mind, however, was in a very different place. He felt like he should wrap his body around Dan and never let him go. Like a protective outer shell, where no one else was welcome. The movie ended and they got ready for bed. Dan on his makeshift bed of blankets and pillows on the floor, and Phil sleeping much too far away on the mattress. 

The room was silent and dark. Phil wasn’t sure if Dan was still awake when he spoke, “Have you had sex with her?” 

A few beats of silence followed, and Phil thought that Dan had in fact fallen asleep. “Yeah,” Dan said, quietly, almost apologetic.

“Do you love her?” 

“I think so,” Dan said, a tear sliding back into his hair since he was laying on his back. He wanted to say he wished she was Phil. Wanted to say he didn’t love her, but it wasn’t true. She was lovely, and sweet, and made him feel special. It was easy with her. They held hands and cuddled and had sex and kissed. He thought of her a lot and saw her almost every day when Phil was at uni. “Yeah, I really think I do.” 

“Oh.” Phil said, his heart breaking a little, “That’s good. I’d really love to meet her then.” 

Dan nodded through his tears and smiled, “good, maybe tomorrow I’ll tell her to come over.” 

“Okay, I look forward to meeting the love of your life.” 

“She’s not the love of my life,” Dan whispered so Phil couldn’t hear, and soon the room was silent again, as they both cried to themselves. 

Phil met Erika. He met her and he liked her, and he hated it. “She’s nice.” He said to his mother while they watched some game show on the television a day later. 

“We all like her a lot, she’s got a great head on her shoulders.” She beamed. “She wants to be a doctor you know. Just think if they get married, a Doctor and a Lawyer in the family.” 

“You do realize Dan isn’t actually family right?” He huffed in irritation. 

“He’s as good as.” She said, waving him off, “I mean look at Martyn and Cornelia, she is just like a daughter to Dan’s parents. I feel the same about Erika. Oh, speaking of which, for Christmas, I was making her stocking to go up with everyone else’s. You think her snowman should have a green or red scarf?” She leaned over and pulled a cross stitched stocking out of her sewing kit and held it up. “I need to finish it soon, and that’s all that’s left.” She looked at the stocking, assessing the pattern. “Well? Which do you think she’d like better?” 

“I don’t fucking know,” Phil said, raising his voice. “I just fucking met her didn’t I?” He stood and stomped out of the room, his mother, shocked, looked like he just peeled his skin off and ran down the street. 

Phil ran up to his room and slammed the door. He was seething with misplaced anger. Anger at Dan, anger at Erika, anger at his mother, at the Howells and his whole family. He was shaking he was so mad, he wanted to kick and scream and punch a wall. Instead, he threw himself onto his bed, punching his pillow as he wept. He cried so hard his breathing was just labored gasping sobs. Finally, the punching stopped and he just wept, curled in a ball, until he fell asleep. 

His mother knocked lightly an hour after he had run upstairs, “Phil?” He didn’t answer because he was sleeping but woke when she sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed her hand over his shoulder. “Baby, you want to talk about it?” 

Phil rolled over, his eyes puffy from sleep and crying. “Not really.” 

“I think you should.” She said, combing his hair back away from his forehead like she used to when he was sick as a child. “I think you need to.” She smiled sweetly at him. 

“He loves her, mum,” Phil said, his voice cracking as a new wave of tears started. “I knew this was going to happen, and I thought I was ready, but I, I’m not ready.” 

“I know baby.” She said, cupping his cheek and wiping away a tear with her thumb. 

“I love him so much.” 

“We know.” She nodded. “We all know.” 

“You do?” 

“We were all surprised when he started dating her, to be honest.” She said, letting go of his cheek and sitting back a little. “We all thought you two were really together.” 

“We would be,” Phil said, fresh tears welling in his eyes. “But I can’t, we can’t be like that together.”

“I’m sure you can.” She shook her head, “None of us would care if you were gay, we all kind of assumed you boys were anyway.” 

“No,” Phil said, sitting up. “I wish I was gay.” 

“You’re not?” She asked surprised. “What about bisexual? I mean whatever you identify as we don’t care, as long as you’re happy.” 

“I from what I can figure, I don’t like anything.” 

“What do you mean anything?” 

“I don’t find sex appealing, with either men or women. I don’t find anyone attractive. The closest I have ever come to that is with Dan, but even with him it wasn’t something I wanted.” Phil turned his face, no longer wanting to see her. 

“Maybe you haven’t found…” 

“Do you really think that’s it? I’m almost twenty and have never once wanted to touch a person sexually. I should rephrase that, I wanted to just because I want to be normal, but when I did, it felt so wrong. It felt dirty and disgusting and like something was not right with the world.” His anger started to build again. “The one thing I wanted in my life was to be able to be what Erika is for Dan, but I can’t because there’s something wrong with me. And no matter what, I can’t seem to fix it, because I’ve tried so hard mum, I’ve tried so hard to get over my stupid, I don’t know, sexuality, or rather lack of it, but I can’t. I can never be that for or with Dan, and it breaks my heart.” Phil sobbed, his anger dying away and sadness taking over. “I want it so bad.” 

“Oh baby.” She soothed, pulling him into her arms, holding his head against her shoulder, “I’m so sorry. How long have you felt this way?”

“Years,” Phil said, taking deep breaths trying to calm himself down. “I’m sorry.” 

“Why on earth are you apologizing?” she pulled back to see his face, doing the whole pushing his hair back thing again. 

“I just, I don’t know.” He shrugged, “I wish I was normal.” 

“You Philip Michael Lester are amazing and don’t you ever wish you are not who you are.” 

Phil chuckled, snot and tears streaking his face, “You and Dan sound like you have the same script. He’s said almost the same thing to me.” 

“I always said he was a smart boy.” She smiled. “Do you feel better now that that is all out and in the open?” 

“A little,” Phil said, smiling weakly. He leaned over the side of the bed and grabbed a tissue to blow his nose. “What am I going to do?” 

“You are going to be the best Phil Lester in the world. You are going to be my son, and Dan’s best friend for the rest of your life, no matter what happens. Nothing on this earth can change those two facts. And nothing will ever make Dan or myself stop loving you.”

“Thanks mum.” 

“You’re my baby, I hate to see you feeling so bad.” 

“I’m an adult mum.” 

“Still doesn't change the fact that you're my baby boy.” She said, standing up. “How about you go wash your face then come down and help me make dinner, it’s your favorite?” 

“Yeah, okay,” He smiled and followed her out of his room. 

Christmas came and went and Dan brought Erika to Christmas Eve dinner, and it was fine, everything was fine. She didn’t stay over, that was the only saving grace. Dan slept on Phil’s floor like usual, and they watched Gremlins and ate popcorn and maltesers that Dan snuck from the stocking stash he found at his parent’s house the night before. It was just like it should be, but Phil felt like a dark cloud had moved in. If Dan could feel it too, he didn’t let Phil know. 

Soon the winter holiday was over and Phil was going back to school. He hated that he was happy about going. He missed his friends there and making videos. His time at home was nice, but not as it once had been. He felt on edge at home this time around, because of Dan and Erika, and also because of his admission to his mother. She was supportive and wonderful, but he still wasn’t sure if he really was ready to discuss such things with her, it just kind of happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you survived. Not to worry the next chapter will be up tomorrow.


	3. Side by side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil says goodbye to thoughts of living in a hut in the woods like he thought he would. He comes out to his mom and is excited to do the same to Dan. Unfortunately he gets sidetracked by Erika. 
> 
> Dan visits phil at uni and they have a chat the day after a drunken night out. 
> 
> Dan spirals after Erika and Phil leave for school. Phil intervenes when Dan needs him most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter a lot happens. Some happy some not so happy things. 
> 
> Trigger warning for depression, drinking, and kinda sort infidelity if you don't already count emotional infidelity.

Phil was laying on his bed studying for an end of year exam when his brother called, “Hey Philodendron.” 

“Hi Marty, what’s up?” 

“Don’t call me Marty.” 

“Don’t call me Philodendron then.” Phil said sitting up and laughing. 

“Fine.” 

“What’s up? You never call. Everything okay?” 

“Sure is. I was just calling to see if Cor and I could stay at yours this weekend. We have a wedding to go to and will be near York.”

“Oh, yeah, sure.” Phil said, smiling. “Who’s getting married?”

“Remember my friend Robert? You met him a few times. He’s getting married to his girlfriend. They’ve been together since sixth form. Can you imagine? Well I guess you could, look at you and Dan.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“Well, I mean you and Dan have been friends forever, but I could see you two getting married one day.” 

“Erika might have an issue with that.” 

“I doubt she’ll be around that long.” Martyn said nonchalantly. 

“Why?” 

“She’s going to school to be a doctor, yeah? And he’s taking a gap year then going to law school yeah?” 

“Yes, so?” 

“There is no way she is going to keep him around when she goes off to school and he just bums around his parent’s house for a year. Mark my words they’ll be broken up by fall when she leaves.” 

“They love each other. That shouldn’t matter.” Phil said, shaking his head. 

“They like each other a lot, but Dan loves you.” 

“Like a friend.” Phil said, “That is a very different thing than being in love.” 

“He has been in love with you since he was ten.” Martyn said, “And you have loved him since that day at the park, when he started talking to you about your T-rex tee shirt.” 

“I have not.” 

“Oh, yeah, okay. If you’re trying to convince yourself that you aren’t in love with him go right ahead. You can’t convince me at all.” 

“When should I expect you this weekend?” Phil said changing the subject since he was getting irritated.

“We’re coming down Friday, be there sometime mid-day. Just because you changed the subject doesn't make my statement any less true, but I’ll drop it. I can take a hint. I just want what’s best for my little bro.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Phil said, trying to sound casual even though he wanted to scream. “I‘ll see you then, I have to get back to studying.” 

“Yeah, okay. Thanks for letting us stay.” 

“You’re my brother, of course you can stay.” 

“Well, I’ll let you get back to your ever important studies.” Martyn said, “See you Philbert.” 

Phil hung up and tried to get his brain back into study mode, but it was whirling with thoughts of what Martyn had said. Dan and Erika were going to break up. Dan was in love with him. He knew Dan had liked him, sure, but loved him like that he didn’t know if he believed it. He was in love with Dan. Could it all be true? 

Two days later and his exams finished, Phil began packing up to move back home for the summer. He was going to be coming back one more year for his masters, then he would be done entirely with uni. But then what? He didn’t really have a plan yet, and it scared him.

Martyn and Cornelia showed up a little after noon on Friday and Phil was worried Martyn would bring up the whole Dan in love situation, but to his relief he didn’t mention it again the entire weekend. Sunday morning before they left they helped Phil pack up more of his belongings so he was ready for his father and his car on Tuesday. 

Tuesday morning Phil woke up and finished packing his last minute items, like toothbrush, contact solution and glasses. An hour after he finished off the last of his cereal and milk, his phone rang. “Hey Danny, what’s up?” Phil said, drying his bowl and putting it in his last box. 

“I’m outside.” 

“Outside what?”

“The party house. Open the door you goon.” Dan said, then knocked on the door. 

Phil ran to the front door and swung it open to find Dan standing outside. “What are you doing here?” 

“Your Dad had something come up and asked if I could come get you.” Dan smiled, then walked through the door. “So you going to show me around before we sweat our balls off loading all your shit into my car?” 

“Oh, yeah,” Phil said, closing the door behind them, “I can’t believe you're here.” 

“I know right. Too bad I couldn’t ever get here for Easter hols though.” Dan said looking around the spartan communal living area. “Is everyone moved out already?”

“Yeah. I had one late exam. I’ve been here all weekend by myself. Well, I would have been but Martyn and Cor came to stay because they had a wedding to go to.” Phil said, bringing Dan though the kitchen and back to the garden. 

“Nice garden.” Dan snickered, “I really like the dead grass patches. The colorful plastic cups laying around really add that something special.”

“I decorated just for you.” Phil said, coming up behind Dan and hugging him. Dan turned in his arms and hugged him back. “I missed you.” Phil said, his head tucked into his neck. 

“Missed you too Philly.” Dan said, pulling back. “Ready to load up the car?” 

“Yeah.” Phil said, “Too bad we have to leave right away, you’ve never been here, it’d be fun to show you around York a little bit.” 

“When do you have to be cleared out of here?” Dan said stopping as they closed up the last box. 

“Friday.” 

“I don’t have to be home until Saturday.” Dan said, getting a glint in his eye. “Why don’t we hang out here for night or two. You can show me around, take me to all the Phil Lester uni haunts.”

“You sure?” 

“Hell yes!” Dan said, flopping into the nearest chair. “I mean I have my overnight bag in the car just in case, and you have all your stuff here. Why not?” 

“What about Erika? Wouldn’t she wonder where you were?” 

“Nah mate,” Dan said waving him off, “She and her two besties went backpacking until the end of July. “I’m a free man until then.” 

“Okay.” Phil nodded. “Where do you want to go first?” 

“You tell me.” Dan said standing up, “I’ll go wherever you go.” 

Phil smiled, Dan seemed so excited to be in his uni house. He had to admit it was kind of exciting for Dan to be there. It had been three years at York and the person who meant the most to him was finally seeing where he lived. Dan was in his space and he loved it. 

They went around campus, Phil pointing out interesting buildings, and where his lectures were. They walked by the ponds looking at the swans and geese. Phil made a joke about how he was lucky he didn’t accidentally fall on one and kill it yet. Dan said something about how he had another year to try. After the tour Phil took Dan down to the pub he and his mates frequented, they ate burgers and played darts, all the while drinking the nightly special of two for one taps. 

“I think I’m drunk.” Dan said, his face smushed against the dirty wall of the booth. 

“Yeah, I think you are too,” Phil said laughing. “It was two for one not eight for one you noob.” 

“Oi, I am away from home, with my best friend, in a pub, I am going to get a little tipsy.” 

“You passed tipsy about two hours ago mate.” Phil hiccoughed, then slammed the rest of his brightly colored drink. “Come on, we should get you home.” He stood up and walked over to pry Dan’s face from the wall and stand him up. 

“We can’t go home now.” Dan said, “I’m drunk and there is no way I am letting you drive my baby all the way to Manchester.” 

“I mean back to my uni house.” Phil said in his ear, as he directed Dan towards the door. 

“Oh,” Dan giggled, “Yeah, I guess that would be better, we walked from there.” 

“Yup.” Phil said, taking Dan’s arm and started walking down the street. 

“You going to make out with me?” 

“What?” Phil said in surprise. 

“S’jus, you said you don’t mind doing it with strangers when you’re drunk, and now you’re drunk and I’m me, not a stranger, so you might really like it with me.” Dan said, his hand pointing between himself and Phil. 

“I’m not really drunk, but you are.” 

“No, you’re totally wasted.” Dan said, looking at Phil. 

“No. Sorry mate, you are. I am at best tipsy.” Phil laughed.

“Well fine.” Dan said, as he tripped over his feet. “Doesn’t change the question.”

“I am not going to make out with you.” 

“Why not?” Dan whined

“Because you’re drunk, you have a girlfriend, and I’m a decent human being.” 

“You are a stick in the mud.” Dan giggled, “But fine. I know you don’t want to make out with me, you don’t want me like that.” 

“How about we play the silent game.” Phil said, “You stay quiet until we get home and I will give you a prize.” 

“Like a kiss?” Dan asked, hopefully. 

“No, I was thinking more along the lines of water and something for your headache you're going to have tomorrow morning.” 

“Stick in the mud.” Dan said again, but was quiet the rest of the way home. 

Phil got them safely back inside, changed into pj’s and teeth brushed. “Feelin a little more sober?” he asked as Dan drank a glass of water at the kitchen table while eating some stale pretzels Phil found at the back of the cupboard.

“Yeah,” Dan said chewing slowly. “These are terrible.” 

“Yeah, they may have been here when I moved in last year.” 

Dan tossed the bag across the room, crumbs and salt flying. He ran to the sink and washed his mouth out from the tap. “Phil!” He screeched as the water spluttered everywhere. 

“I’m kidding. They were Jamie’s, she’s gluten free.” Phil said laughing at Dan’s dramatics. 

“You are an asshole.” Dan said, wiping his front, “I’m soaked.” 

“I didn’t shove your face under the tap,” Phil said, handing Dan a towel. 

“Fuck it,” Dan said, and pulled sopping his shirt over his head. “I’m ready to go to bed.” 

“Oh, okay.” Phil nodded. 

“You can stay in Rob’s or Jamie’s room. I have an extra set of sheets.” 

“You expect me to make a bed at two in the morning.” Dan yawned. “I could just sleep on the floor of your room.” 

“It’s hard wood, at least sleep in the bed.” Phil said, as they stopped in the lounge to grab a pair of sheets and duvet from a box. 

“Remember what happened the last time that happened.” 

“Yeah, I know. But you have a girlfriend now. You’d dream of her this time, I’m sure.” Phil said as he lead the way upstairs to his room. 

Dan didn’t want to come right out and say, that even with his girlfriend, most of the time he thought of Phil. When they did a lot of things he tried not to imagine it was Phil doing those things, but his brain was just wired to put Phil in her place. He hated that he did it. She deserved better than that. Deserved so much more than he could give her. 

“Sorry it’s so small.” Phil said, “But uni beds are small.” 

“You know I can really just sleep on the floor. Or on one of the couches downstairs.” 

Phil made a disgusted face, “Do you know what kind of things have touched those couches. I don’t think they’ve been cleaned since the 70’s. If anyone sleeps on the floor it’ll be me, I’m the host.” 

“No, it’s fine. We can both sleep in the bed.” Dan said, “I don’t want to make you sleep on the floor.” 

“Good.” Phil said, “It’s silly, we can sleep in the same bed. We’ve done it hundreds of times before.” 

They climbed in and Phil turned out the light. In order to both fit, they had to lay on their sides. Dan faced the wall where Dan faced the room. “Night Philly. I had a good day getting to know uni Phil.” 

“Night. I’m glad you’re here.” Phil said through a yawn. 

Dan’s forehead was pressed up against a wall, his mouth felt like he had been sucking on a dirty sock and something hard was poking him in the small of his back. He reached behind himself to get rid of the uncomfortable intrusion, only to hear a gasp and a moan in response. His eyes flew open, and he would have scrambled away if he wasn’t basically pinned to the wall by Phil and his morning wood. “Phil.” he said, his voice high and wavering, “Phil you need to wake up.” 

“M’Danny,” Phil mumbled and moved even closer his cock moving lower and centering in between Dan’s ass cheeks, his free arm going over Dan’s waist.

“Phil!” Dan said louder, “Phil you need to wake the fuck up right now.” 

“Hmmm?” 

“Phil, up. You need to wake up right now!” 

Phil hummed a moment, then his body went rigid and moved away from Dan. Dan rolled slowly as he looked over his shoulder. “Sorry,” Phil said, his face the color of a tomato. 

“Morning,” Dan said, trying not to smile since Phil was embarrassed enough. “Not the way I was expecting to wake up, but when in Rome I guess.”

“I’m so sorry,” Phil said covering his face with his hands. 

“It’s fine, I mean not going to pretend it didn’t give me a little bit of a thrill.” Dan winked. 

“Do not tease me Howell.” 

“I would never,” Dan gasped, then started laughing. “It’s just morning wood Phil, every guy gets it. It doesn’t mean anything. Except maybe that you have to pee.” 

“It’s the only time I ever…” Phil trailed off.

“Ever what?” 

“Ever, you know…” 

“I don’t. What? Only time you don’t wet the bed?” 

“No,” Phil shook his head, then moved his fist up and down perpendicular to the mattress. 

“Only time you wank?” Dan said, surprised. 

Phil nodded, “How often do you?” 

Dan shrugged, “Depends. The most I’ve ever done it in a day was like six times. I was also thirteen and horny as hell. Normally though, about once or twice.” 

“A day!?” Phil said, horrified, “I can probably count on both hands how many times I’ve done it.” 

“Really?” Dan said, also horrified. “How do your dick and balls not explode?” 

“I sometimes have wet dreams I guess,” Phil said, his face burning from the admission. 

“Yeah, I bet. It’s not really about being turned on for me.” Dan said, It’s more of a body thing.   
“Does it have the same effect on you as when we….” 

“No, well not really,” Phil shrugged. “The first time, I started in my sleep and woke up kind moving against a pillow. It felt nice so I kept going. When it ended, at first I thought I did it wrong, it was so intense and overwhelming, that I couldn’t get grossed out until later. And even later it didn’t make me feel wrong, or like something bad happened. It was more a, I can’t believe I did that. I tried doing it, like thinking of people or trying to plan it out or whatever, but I can’t get hard unless it just does it naturally, or from stimulation for a while. I don’t get hard thinking about anything.” 

“So you can find pleasure doing that kind of thing? Like it feels nice?” 

“I mean yeah, it’s kind of a physical thing more than a sex thing. I don’t know if I would like it with someone else though, I think I wouldn’t like that.”

“What about at the same time as someone?” 

“What?” 

“Okay, Dan said, sitting up, his back to the wall. “Remember the last time we slept in bed together?” 

“Yeah,” Phil sighed, “how could I forget my extreme failures?” 

“Not a failure,” Dan said pointing at Phil as if scolding a puppy. “Remember how you liked hearing me, and watching me?” 

“Yeah, but then touching you turned out to be too much.” 

“What about touching yourself. You’ve done it before, and enjoyed it?” 

“I liked how it felt yeah,” Phil said, “but that is all by myself and just my body.” 

“Do you think it would be too much if you watched me, and heard me, but didn’t touch me?” 

“I don’t know,” Phil shrugged, his heart was speeding up at the thought, his wilted penis responded as well, he was surprised by the response, and almost said so. 

“Would you like to try that? We don’t have to now, or ever, but I want you to know I would try anything to be with you.” 

“What about Erika?” 

“What about her?” 

“You’re still together.” 

“Yeah, we are,” Dan nodded. 

“I don’t want you to cheat on her.”

“I don’t want to either.” Dan smiled weakly. “I’m sorry I suggested anything.” 

“It’s okay, really,” Phil said, “If anything it’s made me wonder about some things, given me a little bit of hope.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Phil nodded smiling. “Let’s get some breakfast, I’m starving. Then do you want to head home?” 

“Yeah, we should probably get going.” Dan nodded, “That tiny bed wasn’t very comfortable.” 

“I can’t wait to get home to my nice big bed, I can starfish all night,” Phil beamed.

July came and went, and they spent almost every day together. It was just like old times, pizza, video games, laughter, and bants. Phil was getting a little more into his Youtube and was getting more popular but Dan still refused to participate even if Phil could tell he was interested. 

July ended, and Erika returned, so did Phil’s worst fears. Dan and Erika hung out almost every day. Phil would see him once a week or have to hang out with both of them. He hated that he liked Erika. She was so sweet and brought cookies over the first time they had invited her to a movie night at the end of the summer. He was actually happy she decided to come over until she wedged herself up against Dan, and he wrapped his arms around her. Dan shot Phil an apologetic look over the top of her head. Phil decided at that moment he was going to try and figure out what was wrong with him. He wanted to be like that with Dan, but why was all the rest of it so unpleasant to him. He needed answers. 

After Dan and Erika left for the night, Phil took to the internet. Hours passed and he wanted to call Dan, run to his mother, shout from the rooftop, “I’m asexual!” Finally he knew he wasn’t alone, he wasn’t broken or weird. He was Phil, and he was asexual. 

Up until that night he thought he was some sort of freak, he was afraid he wouldn't find any answers, everyone wants to have sex, or so he thought. Thankfully he finally found out, that was not the case. Armed with more knowledge he slept peacefully, and couldn’t wait until morning so he could share his findings with Dan. 

Phil ran down the stairs like a kid on Christmas morning. He ran to the kitchen where his mother was drinking her tea and eating a piece of toast. “Morning sweetie,” she smiled up at him from the book she was reading. 

“Mum,” He said, smiling so wide he was mildly aware of a muscle in his jaw tightening, “I’m asexual.” 

“Sorry?” 

“Remember our conversation after I freaked out about Erika’s stocking?” 

“Yes, how could I forget?” 

“Well, I did some research, and well, there’s a name for it, well there’s lots of names for different parts of it, but basically I am asexual.”

“I’m not sure what that means, but you seem happy about it.” She smiled. 

“I am happy about it, I know I’m not alone, I’m not the only person to feel like this. I can’t wait to tell Dan.” 

“That’s wonderful honey,” She beamed. 

“One of the sites I looked at had a section for parents. I’ll send it to you. That way you can kind of understand. The whole site is great really. It answered so many of my questions.” 

“I look forward to reading it.” She said, setting her mug on the counter, “I’m happy you found something to help you feel better. I just wish I could have helped.” 

“Mum,” Phil said walking up to her and wrapping her in his arms for a second. “It’s not something that’s talked about that much, so I don’t blame you. I mean I didn’t even know it was really a thing until last night. I had very rarely heard the word before, but never knew what it meant.” 

“It still hurts a little that you were so upset about it. You’re my baby, I wish I could have helped.” 

“Don’t feel like that.” Phil said shaking his head. “Just be happy for me. I am. I know so much more, I feel like I can do anything now. I’m just so happy to know it’s not just me. And guess what!”

“What?” She chuckled at his giddiness.

“I don’t have to live alone in the woods like a hermit.” 

Her eyes widened, “Is that really what you thought?” 

“Well, not quite, but I didn’t think I could have a partner. But there are lots of asexual people who have significant others. They have families and live lives like everyone else. There are those that do stay single, but now I know I have a choice, I know I don’t have to be alone, like I thought.”

“I’m so happy for you.” She smiled and patted his cheek. 

“I’m not alone, I don’t have to be alone!” Phil said again, “Everything is going to be okay.” 

“One hundred percent okay.” She nodded. 

“I’m going to go tell Dan.” He hugged her again and ran back up to his room. He dialed the phone and waited for Dan to pick up.

“Hello?” 

“Umm,” He paused, he wasn’t expecting Erika to pick up. “Hi, is Dan there?” 

“He just went to take a shower.” She said through a yawn. “Should I tell him you called?” 

“Ah, no, it’s okay. I just wondered if he was busy, but I guess he is.” 

“You sure? We could all do something today if you want?” 

“No, It’s okay.” Phil said, his heart sinking, maybe he couldn’t have it all. “You two have fun, I’ll just talk to him later. Thanks for the the offer though.” 

“Of course, I’m always happy to see you Phil.” 

“Yeah, same. I’m always happy to see you too Erika. Well I’ll leave you be. Gonna go get some cereal.” 

“Okay. Have a good day.” She said, he could hear the smile in her voice. “We might go to a movie later, you want to come if we do?” 

“Nah, you two have a date night.” Phil said, “I’ll find something else to do.”

“Okay, if you’re sure.” 

“I’m sure.” Phil said, trying not to cry, “I’ll see you guys later.” 

“Okay, bye.” She said, and hung up. 

Phil threw his phone on his bed and wanted to scream. Why did he think it would all be better? Dan still had a girlfriend. A girlfriend he loved and had sex with. Why would he want Phil? He didn’t scream, however, he sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the ugly green carpet until his stomach growled so loud he couldn’t ignore it any longer. 

He went downstairs to find his mother doing a crossword in the garden outside the back door. He made himself some toast and went out to sit with her. “He was in the shower.” 

“Oh?” 

“Erika answered his phone.”

“Oh.” 

“I think I will be alone.” He said biting into his toast, and crunched as a tear slipped down his cheek. “I’m an idiot.” 

“You are not an idiot.” She said, setting her book down. “You are in love with someone who is with someone else. That is one of the most common things in the world. Unfortunate, but not idiotic.” 

“Thanks mum, but I think I’m going to look into how to be a hermit after all. You think dad and Martyn could help me build my hut?” 

She smiled and shook her head, “Don’t give up hope yet, mister-man. You and Daniel are still very young, no telling what will happen in a month, two months, two years, or even ten years. Don’t give up so easily.” 

“It feels like I already lost him.”

“You didn’t.” She said, picking up her crossword again, “Listen to your mother, she knows things.” 

Phil smiled, she did know things, and maybe just maybe she was right. 

Martyn apparently also knew things because a week later Erika was leaving for school and in doing so, broke up with Dan. It was a mutual break up, but Dan was still upset about it. She had been his first, and so would always hold a place in his heart. Phil was a touch jealous of that fact, but was still a good friend and helped Dan forget that his girlfriend was gone to school and he was staying home for a year before he went off as well. 

Unfortunately for Dan, Phil had to return to York a week after Erika, since she left for fresher’s week. He hated that the two people he was closest to in the world were no longer around. One of them being off limits to talk to since he and Erika decided it best to cut all ties for at least a few months. 

This was Phil’s last year at uni. His masters, and in doing so he had less time to spend on the phone, and at parties. Less time to do anything but study and work on his thesis. Most of Dan’s other friends from home were originally Erika’s and since the breakup, he hadn’t seen one of them. His friends not from Erika were few, but had also went off at school, so in essence, he was alone with his family for the first time in his life, and he was not happy about it. 

He worked and watched youtube to kill time between talking to Phil and sleep. The year progressed and he did a work study program at a law office downtown. He was also not happy there. His mental health seemed to take a turn for the worse, with all the time he had to himself. 

He and Phil talked as often as they could but Phil wasn’t able to stay up late due to early classes, and Dan worked evenings most of the time. For his Easter holiday Phil returned home, and noticed Dan’s dark outlook on everything and it concerned him. Dan waved him off, saying everything was fine, even though he himself knew he wasn’t entirely fine. He didn’t want Phil to worry. 

Phil returned to classes and with only a couple months left of his final year, he had even less time to talk. Phil encouraged him to start making his own videos since he was always interested in Phil’s channel. Finally he did and Phil was so excited for him. Dan needed an outlet for his creativity. He knew better than anyone, how a nice comment could brighten your day. He just hoped Dan would focus on those and not the negative. 

Of course Dan did focus on the three negative comments on one of his videos. “You have hundreds of comments. All of them are good except those three troll comments. Why do you focus on them?” Phil asked one night when they were able to talk.

“I mean they’re right. It was stupid, who would want to see me do stupid stuff.” 

“They just said it to be mean, because they just want to get a rise out of you. There are so many nice comments, and your subscriber count has gone up by more than a hundred in two days. That is so good! Focus on that stuff.” 

“I wish you were here.” Dan sighed, “I can’t wait until you’re done with school.” 

“Me too. Could you get off work for my graduation?” 

“No, my dickwad of a boss said I waited too late to ask. Of course I did.” Dan said, “I can’t do anything right, not even take off of work correctly.”

“Two weeks ahead should have been enough time. He’s just being an ass.” Phil said, “Not you doing something wrong.” 

“Yeah, well either way, I’m going to miss it, and miss packing you up for the last time.” 

“I mean that part sucks, so be happy you’re missing it.” Phil laughed, “Moving sucks.” 

“Yeah, but still.” Dan said, “You’re graduating, I should be there.” 

“It’s okay, you can take me out for a drink at the pub or something with all that cash money you’re going to be making.” 

Dan chuckled, “Yeah, alright, I can do that.” 

Finally Phil was back, graduation done, celebratory drink with Dan done. Now what? He had no idea what he wanted to do. Actually he did, but how was he going to convince his parents that he wanted to do YouTube for a living. Or at least try it. He was already making some income from it. Not quite enough to live on, but if he could work on it full time, not while distracted by school or working, maybe he could actually make it his career. 

“So, I think I am going to talk to my parents tomorrow.” 

“About YouTube?”

“Yeah.” 

Dan was quiet for a minute, “You want me to come and help convince them?” 

“Not yet. Let me talk to them first, I think I need to just lay it out there. The worst they would do is tell me to get a job and do it on the side.” 

“Yeah, but if you can work on it full time you would be able to build it up more. Get more subscribers and more sponsored videos. If you have to have a full time job it’s not the same.” 

“Yeah, I know that, I just hope they can see it too.” 

“I’m going to go to sleep now, I have to get up for work speaking of. God, I hate my boss.” 

“I know.” Phil sighed, “Maybe you should come on my channel, my subscribers would love you, you can build your channel too. Then one day maybe we could both be our own bosses.” 

“That all sounds good and everything,” Dan said, “but I’m not that comfortable in front of the camera yet. Let me get more used to it before I go on yours.” 

“Okay, well the offer is always there.” Phil yawned, “think I am going to bed too. Told my mom I’d go with her to the store tomorrow morning.” 

“Okay, call me as soon as you talk to them. I want to know the minute you have any news.” 

“I will, don’t worry.”

_____

 

“They gave me a year!” Phil shouted excitedly into the phone, “A year, I can do that. I have been talking to another channel that has a few creators on it and they want to collab with me. That will help. They have a good amount of subscribers I will for sure get some from them.” 

“That’s fantastic.” Dan said, “I’m so happy for you.” 

“Thanks. You work tomorrow?” 

“No, I’m off thank god.” 

“You want to come over? I feel like a celebrating.” 

“I don’t know, I’m pretty tired.” Dan said. “I was up too late last night and had to get up for work. I was late again, and my boss totally ripped me a new asshole in front of everyone.” 

“He is such a dick. At least he could have done it privately.” Phil said, “That is such an unprofessional thing to do to yell at an employee in front of others.” 

“He doesn’t fucking care about that. He just wanted to make me look bad.” 

“What an ass.” Phil growled, “Makes me want to walk in there and give him a piece of my mind.” 

Dan laughed humorlessly, “Oh yeah, that would be just great, my best friend coming into my work to yell at my boss. He wouldn’t treat me worse because of that. Not to mention all the other employees wouldn’t think it’s some joke and call me queer or pansy all the goddamn day, everyday.”

“Okay, fine, I won’t go in there.” Phil said, his feelings hurt. 

“Sorry,” Dan sighed. “I’m just pissed and so unhappy about everything, I just...I don’t know. I hate it all.” 

“I know. Just think next year you’ll be at uni, and then you won’t have to work, and can go to parties and stuff.” 

“I don’t know if I want to go to uni or parties and stuff.” Dan huffed. “I don’t want to be a lawyer really, you know that. But I don’t know what I want to do, it just seems like it sounds good.” 

“You’ll love, it I know you will. Uni is fun for the most part. The classes are kind of rubbish, but the rest of it is pretty great.” 

“Yeah, maybe.” Dan said, “I’m just going to go to bed. I’m glad your parents are letting you try YouTube out. We’ll hang out soon, promise.”

“Okay, night Danny.”

“Night.” 

Phil called Dan everyday for a week with no response. He even went to the store where he worked but he wasn’t there. Finally after ten days passed and he hadn’t heard from Dan, he went over to his house. Dan’s parents were at work, and no one answered the door, so he found the spare key they kept in a flower pot around the side of the house and let himself in. The house was quiet, as he walked through the lounge and up the stairs. Dan’s door was closed, he knocked first, but after no answer he just opened the door. 

The curtains were drawn closed the room smelled of stale air and old sweat, and there was an unmoving Dan shaped lump under the covers. Phil sat on the edge of the bed. “You’re scaring me.” 

“Sorry,” Dan said, from under his duvet. 

“Do you think you might need to see a doctor?” 

“Maybe, don’t really see the point though.” 

“I do, this isn’t you.”

“Who cares?” 

“I fucking care.” Phil said, pulling back the duvet and shoving Dan over so he could climb into the bed next to him. “Your parents care, my parents care.” 

“Do they?” 

“They do, your mum was over the other day and said you were feeling under the weather. I didn't know it was this bad, but I wondered since I hadn’t heard from you.” 

“It’s fine, I’ll be fine.” 

“You will, but you might need some help, and not the kind of help I can give you.” 

“Maybe.” 

“Will you see a doctor, for me if you won’t go for yourself? I am worried about you.” 

“You don’t have to worry, I’m not going to do anything.” 

“Yeah well, I still would feel better if you at least went a few times. Just to see if it helps.” Phil said, squeezing Dan around the waist. “I love you, and I want you happy. It makes me sad to see you like this.” 

“I didn’t tell you to come over.” 

“You know what I mean.” Phil said, “I also want you to take a shower. You’re a little ripe there mate.” 

Dan huffed out a small laugh. “Not bathing for a week will do that.” 

“Okay, that’s it.” Phil said, “get up, you’re taking a shower before your dick falls off.” 

“I don’t want to move.” 

“Fine, I’ll carry you in there.” 

“You will not.” 

“Watch me.” Phil said, and grabbed Dan, picking him up over his shoulder and carried him into the bathroom. He set a very surprised Dan on the counter and turned on the shower. “Clothes off. I think they need to be burned.” 

“Phil…” 

“What?” Phil said, hands on hips like an irritated teacher, “Come on, I don’t have all day Howell.” 

“That is an outright lie.” Dan said, “where do you have to be?” 

“Nowhere, but that is not the point. Clothes off, or I will be taking them off you.” 

“You wouldn’t dare.” 

“Uh-huh.” Phil said moving closer, “I carried you in here, a shower is going to happen, clothes off.”

“You going to stay in here and watch me take a shower?” 

“Yes, I don’t trust you.” 

“Phil.” Dan said, giving him a death glare. 

“Be pissed all you like. You need to start taking care of yourself, and first on the list is shower.” Phil said, and pulled Dan’s shirt off. “Pants, off.” 

“Fine, fine. God, you’re bossy.”

“Someone has to make sure you take care of yourself.” 

Dan turned around and stripped off his pants, leaving them in a sweaty gray puddle on the floor. “Fine.” He stepped into the shower, covering his dick he turned and looked at Phil, okay, you can leave, I’m in the shower.” 

Phil leaned against the vanity and crossed his arms. “Shampoo.” 

“Yeah, I got it, I can do it without supervision.” 

“I will leave when you put shampoo in your hair.” 

“Phil.” 

“I’m not kidding. Do it now. Or I will.” 

Dan’s eyes widened, surely Phil wouldn’t do that. Would he? “I fucking dare you.” 

Phil took his phone out of his pocket and set it on the counter behind him, then stepped forward and into the shower, fully clothed, with his glasses. He picked up the shampoo and poured some into his hands and began to lather Dan’s hair. Their eyes locked until Dan had to close them so soap didn’t sting them. Phil massaged his head, then pulled the shower head off its holster and rinsed the soap away. Then he picked up the conditioner, and repeated. Dan started to shiver even though his skin turned pink from how warm the water was. 

“You’re going to be okay.” Phil said quietly as he picked up the shower jelly, that was probably Dan’s mother’s but it didn’t matter to him. He poured it into his palm and smoothed it over Dan’s skin. Dan let his hands drop from where he was still holding himself and let Phil wash him. “Turn for me?” Phil said, once he was done with Dan’s front. Dan did, and Phil washed his back. He rinsed him off again with the shower head, then placed it back. 

Dan turned around and stepped forward. “Will you kiss me?” He looked up meeting Phil’s eyes. At first Phil didn’t move, but then moved so their chests were touching, and pressed his lips to Dan’s. His hand moved up to cup the back of his head, and the kiss deepened. 

“I will do anything you want me to.” Phil said, pressing their foreheads together. “Anything.” 

Dan began to cry, he sobbed, and would have sank to the floor, if Phil wasn’t there to catch him. “I’m just so tired Phil.” 

“I know you are, let me help you, let all of us help you. Don’t close me off.” Phil said, holding him, his arms wrapped tight. “You are so loved, you just need to start loving yourself too.” He kissed the side of his neck. “I love you so much, it hurts to see you like this.” 

“I just want to sleep.” 

“I know you do, but you can’t sleep your life away.” 

Dan nodded, “I know, but I don’t have energy to do anything else.” 

“It’s okay, I’m going to help you. First things first, we’re going to get you dressed and change those filthy sheets, then make your bed and get you something to eat.” 

“Not hungry.” 

“To bad. I can see that you’ve lost weight,” Phil said, “You are going to eat, and take care of yourself. You’re Dan. My Dan and I can’t have him wasting away.” 

“Yours?” 

“Yes, you’re mine until you tell me to go, and even then, you might not get rid of me.” Phil said, reaching over and turning off the water. He stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel from the cupboard, he turned and wrapped it around Dan’s shoulders and rubbed. “If you won’t take care of yourself for you right now, at least try for me.” 

“Okay.” Dan said, his teeth chattering, even though it was warm in the bathroom and he was wrapped in a towel. 

“Good.” Phil said, then pressed a kiss to his forehead. “We’ll fix this. I promise, I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was another rough one. Sorry bout that. I promise the next one is happier. Plus there's even some humor coming!


	4. Tarantula

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are improving. Dan and Phil meet some over zealous fans of Phil while at the cinema. The boys are not happy about it, but it does bring about a very important conversation. 
> 
> Dan starts school, Phil moves into his own bachelor pad. 
> 
> The boys enjoy being in Manchester together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of good things happen. A lot of good conversations and communication. Even some humor!! 
> 
> Tags/tw: v mild smut, talk of spiders, talk about medication and mental health, mentions of illness. Talk of sex, and sexuality.

“How was your session today?” Phil asked, as they walked from Dan’s car towards the cinema. 

“Good,” Dan nodded, “She said, I was maybe ready to move to once a month.” 

“Yeah?” Phil said smiling, “That’s great.”

“Mmm.” Dan hummed.

“What?”

“I don’t know, I guess I’m just kind of nervous about dropping from every other week to once a month.” 

“Talk to her about it, I’m sure if you don’t like it, or it doesn’t work she’ll have you go back to every other week.” 

“Yeah.” Dan nodded, “I just worry it’ll be like before.” 

“You and I know what to look for, neither one of us will let it get that far.” Phil said, taking his hand and squeezing it then let it go. 

“Yeah, I know. I still get nervous.” 

“You will be okay, I know it.” Phil said, “Just keep up with your meds and your sessions and everything will be okay. If your doctor thinks this is the right step, then I think you should at least try it.” 

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “I’ll give it a try.” They bought tickets for the movie and walked inside. 

“I’ll pay for the popcorn and soda.” Phil said, “celebrate your progress.” 

“You don’t have…” 

“I want to,” Phil said shooing Dan away. “Go find our seats, I’ll be in in a minute.” Dan nodded and walked towards the theatre. As Phil was standing in line, he looked at his phone, but felt someone tap his shoulder. 

“Are you AmazingPhil?” 

“I, uh, yeah,” Phil stuttered in surprise at the two teenage girls standing behind him. 

“I thought so,” One of them said, “We love you.” She smiled. “Don’t we Britta?” 

“Oh yeah, you’re so cute.” 

“I a-thank you?” Phil said, his cheeks flushing, he looked around, praying Dan would come and save him. 

“Yeah, you are so interesting too, like, your videos are super weird but in a good way, you know?” The girl not called Britta said as she twirled a tendril of purple hair around her finger. 

“Thanks.” Phil said, “I just try and have fun, and make people happy.” 

“Well, they are definitely fun,” Britta said, ”Are you here by yourself? Or are you here with your girlfriend?” 

“Oh, no, I don’t have a girlfriend,” Phil said shaking his head, but regretted that answer as soon as he saw the girls reactions. “I’m here with my best friend.” 

“Oh, just a friend?” Not Britta asked.

“Yeah,” Phil said, wishing Dan was still with him and not sitting in the theatre all by himself. Phil was next in line and ordered his a large soda and a popcorn. 

“Hope enjoy your movie,” Britta said, as he took his things off the counter. 

“Yeah, you too.” He smiled and was relieved to be able to walk away from them. Once in the theatre, Dan flagged him down. “I wish I hadn’t sent you ahead.” He said as he sat in the seat next to Dan. 

“Why?”

“There were two girls out there who know me from YouTube and I’m pretty sure they were hitting on me.” 

“Oh really?” Dan chuckled, “How old were they?” 

“Not sure, probably about your age.” 

“Should I be jealous?” Dan smirked as he shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth. 

“Oh crap,” Phil said and sank down low in his seat. 

“What? What happened?” Dan said, looking around the dim room.

“That’s them,” Phil said indicating with a nod the two girls looking over the seats. “Shit they saw me.” 

Dan spotted them at the same time they noticed Phil. “Oh, yeah they totally want you, stud.”

“Shut up.” Phil hissed but sat up a little more since it was no use to hide. The girls were chatting with each other and looking back up towards Dan and himself, “They look like they’re planning something.” Phil said out of the side of his mouth. 

Not two seconds later did the girls split up, Britta going up one aisle, and Not-Britta went up the other. Britta sat next to Dan and Not-Britta sat next to Phil. “Hi again. You don’t mind if we sit with you guys, do you? It’s just you’re right in the best spots, right in the middle.” 

“Uh, no, yeah, you can sit here I guess,” Phil said, not having any idea how to tell her no. Dan dug his elbow into his side but smiled at Britta. 

“My name’s Emily by the way.” She said smiling, then glanced towards Dan expectantly. 

“Oh, this is Dan,” Phil said, “Dan this is Emily and Britta.” 

“Hi,” Dan said, not making eye contact with either girl, but rather kept his eyes locked on Phil. 

“Who knew AmazingPhil would have such a cute friend?” Emily said, leaning forward to talk to Britta as if Phil and Dan were not trapped between them. 

“I know right?” Britta said and smiled up at Dan.

Dan kept his elbow in Phil’s side until the lights turned down even more and the previews played. “Oh, that looks good doesn’t it Britt?” Emily said, leaning forward again. 

“Oh yeah, we’ll definitely have to come see that too.” 

“Sorry,” Phil said, “Are you guys going to want to talk during the movie?” 

“Oh no, we’re silent as mice.” Britta beamed. Neither Dan nor Phil believed her. The movie started and three minutes in she leaned over and whispered to Dan. “So if I get scared, can I hold your hand?” 

Dan had no idea what to say, he didn’t want to, but he also didn’t want to be rude to one of Phil’s fans, so he nodded slightly and continued watching. Ten minutes in she grabbed his hand and didn’t let go until the credits started to roll. 

Phil had a whole other problem. Emily was not silent. She made little sighs and gasps and spoke under her breath as if the actors could hear what she was saying. Basically, she was the worst seatmate Phil had ever had. He was distracted the entire time and had no idea what was happening to the main characters, aside from the fact that they shouldn’t be going upstairs, outside, or in the attic considering Emily’s advice. Phil stood up as soon as the credits rolled even though they normally stayed until the end. 

“You guys want to go get some ice cream or some coffee, maybe a drink?” Emily asked standing up along with him.

“No thanks,” Dan said, standing up too and picking up the popcorn bag.

“Oh,” Emily said, “Okay.” 

“Sorry, we made some early morning plans.” Phil lied, “we’re already out later than we should have been.” 

“It’s okay.” She smiled, “It was really nice meeting you.”

“Yeah, and Dan,” Britta said, “here’s my number if you want to give me a call sometime.”

“Oh!” Dan coughed, “Uh, thanks.” He took the small piece of paper from her and looked over at Phil. 

“Well, I guess we should be going,” Phil said trying to hide his irritation. 

“Okay, you guys want to at least want to walk us to our car?” Emily said. 

Phil almost screamed but nodded instead. They walked out together, Phil holding the door for them all. “We’re right over here,” Britta said, taking Dan’s hand again. 

Emily slipped her arm around Phil’s as they walked. “Did you like the movie?”

Phil wanted to say he had absolutely no idea since she didn’t shut up for the whole thing, but instead, he smiled and nodded. “Yeah, it was okay.” 

“Really? I wasn’t that into it.” Emily said, “It was so predictable.” 

“Yeah,” Phil said, praying their car was close. 

“Here we are.” Emily smiled a few moments later. “Thanks for walking us.” 

“Uh-huh,” Phil said, completely done with the whole situation. 

“Give me a call sometime,” She said and pulled a pen out of her purse. She took his hand and wrote her number on the back of it. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Phil said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster, then stepped back as the girls got into the car. They waved through the windows as Dan and Phil took a collective calming breath. 

“Well that was the fucking worst night at the movies I think I ever had.” Dan said, “Britta was nice enough I guess, but who just meets someone at a movie and holds their hand for the entire time?”

“Beats me.” Phil said, “I wouldn’t do it.” 

“You wouldn’t hold my hand?” Dan said, smirking. 

“Well, I mean…” Phil blushed, “Do you want me to?” 

“I would rather you than Britta.”

“Really?” 

Dan stopped at his car and looked over the roof at Phil, “Obviously.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, why are you so surprised by that?” Dan chuckled and sat, then leaned over to unlock the passenger door for Phil.

“I don’t know, just…” 

“Just what?” 

“Erika happened.” 

Dan turned and looked at Phil for a moment, “Yeah, she happened, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to hold your hand.” 

“Hmmm.” Phil hummed and looked forward.

“What does that mean?” 

“I can have relationships.”

“What?”

“I can have significant others,” Phil said. 

“Okay? Did you think you couldn’t?”

“Yeah, I did some research and figured some things out about myself, and there are other people like me who even have kids.” 

“Like you?” 

“Yeah,” Phil turned to Dan, “I’m asexual.” 

Dan nodded, “So what are you saying?”

“I guess, I mean, I would like to try a relationship.” 

“With me?”

Phil cleared his throat and looked down at his hands, “I’ve wanted one with you for years, I just didn’t think it was even possible.”

“Did you really think that having sex was so important to me in a relationship?” 

“Yes, I mean I assumed so. I mean you said you wanted that kind of relationship.” 

“But if I could have a relationship with you I could care less. I want to be with you.”

“As more than best friends?” 

Dan laughed, and took Phil’s hand in his, “Yes, if you’ll talk to me, I want to have you in any way you want.” 

“That sounds dirty,” Phil said linking his fingers with Dan’s. 

“It kind of did.” Dan smiled and lifted their joined hands so he could kiss the back of Phil’s knuckles. 

______

Phil was moving into his own apartment finally. Sure his parent’s helped him get it, and sure he was only about fifteen minutes from their house, but it was his. Dan was also starting uni and just so happened to be going to the uni within walking distance of Phil’s new apartment. 

Phil moved in, then an about two days later Dan was there with a whole bag of his own shit to dump (his words) in the spare drawers of Phil’s bathroom, kitchen, and bedroom. They spent most of the time playing video games and eating pizza and Chinese until Dan moved into the dorms. 

Phil had insisted that Dan at least have some sort of normal first year. Most people didn’t start uni with a boyfriend who already graduated his masters, he didn’t want Dan to regret not having the true uni experience. Dan was reluctant at first, but found living in the dorms had some upsides. Mostly though he hated it and escaped to Phil’s as often as he could. 

Dan’s family took a trip but he decided to stay at school, not for his studies, but because there was a party he had actually been invited to and wanted to go. He began feeling poorly three days before the party, and by the day it arrived, Phil brought him to A&E because he was so ill. Phil was horrified by the whole thing, where Dan once again was reminded how wonderful Phil was. 

When Dan was well enough to leave the hospital he stayed with Phil. Who nursed him, as much as he could, back to health. Dan slept in his bed with him and Phil kept him entertained and warm while he was there. 

“Phil, I’m fine, I can get my own drink.” 

“I know, but you’re going back today, let me just take care of you a little bit longer.” 

Dan chuckled, “You’ve already done enough. I feel like I have been here too long already.” 

“I love having you here,” Phil said, handing Dan a glass and sitting on the couch next to him. He pulled Dan in closer, so he was leaning back on Phil and not the cushion. “I’m going to miss you when you go back to the dorms.” He said, kissing the back of Dan’s neck. 

Dan sighed and closed his eyes, “Don’t remind me I have to go back there.” 

“You could just live here.” 

Dan turned to look at him, “What happened to the whole uni experience thing?” 

“I want you to live here, but yeah, you should at least live on campus for now.” 

“You’re an apartment tease.” Dan huffed and leaned back against him. 

“Sorry,” Phil said, and hugged him. “I do want you to live with me though, maybe after this lease is up, we can get an apartment?” 

Dan turned again, “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, if you want to.” 

“Phil!” Dan turned around and straddled his lap to hug him tight. “I want to so bad, you have no idea.” 

“Good,” Phil said, his face buried in Dan’s neck. “I can’t wait.” 

Dan pulled back and sat on Phil’s knees, “I love you, Philly.” 

“Love you too,” Phil said smiling, even though he did worry about living together. 

“What’s the matter?” Dan asked. 

“Nothing? Why would something be wrong?” 

“I can tell when something’s bugging you Phil,” Dan sighed and moved back over to the couch. 

“I just, I worry.” Phil said, “About how we will work if we live together.” 

“We can have house rules or something, so we adult like we should. Like go to bed at reasonable times, not play video games all the time, you know that kind of stuff.” 

Phil smiled, “that wasn’t what I meant, but that is a good idea. Knowing us, we’d stay up until dawn every night and never get anything done.” 

“What were you thinking of then?” Dan asked, his forehead creasing. 

“About my...about us not having sex,” Phil said looking down. “I wish I could get over this, and enjoy that kind of thing.”

“Phil,” Dan said, his voice quiet, “Please know that no matter what all I want is you. I don’t need sex. I have love from you in so many other ways, sex isn’t something you need to give me too. Your sexuality is part of who you are. I love you, I am happy with you, I don’t want you to be anyone but you.” 

“I’m afraid one day that won’t be enough,” Phil said, a tear rolling down his cheek, “I know you’re going to say it will, because that’s how you are, but you don’t actually know. You’re whole life stuck in a relationship with someone who can’t give themselves to you in that way…”

“I literally don’t need it,” Dan said, “I do need you.” 

“I might not be enough in five years. Hell, five months might be too much,” Phil said, 

“Phil, please look at me,” Dan said, waiting for Phil to make eye contact. “I love you so much it hurts. There is no amount of sex you could give me to make me love you anymore. Sex or no sex, you’re my person.” 

Phil smiled and shook his head, “I want to give you that part though, I want you to have that in your life. You say that you don’t need it, but you want it. I know you do, that will never stop.” 

“True, I do like it, but it isn’t like breathing,” Dan said. “I can take care of myself in that way, you don’t need to worry about it.” He smiled, then made a wanking motion with his fist. 

Phil laughed, “I don’t know if that will be enough either. What if you break your hand?” 

“Good point. I better practice with my right too.” Dan winked. 

“Could we maybe experiment?” 

“Like how?” 

“Well, I’ve read that people like me, in relationships do things with their partners that work for both of them.” 

“Like they get off too?” Dan asked in surprise. 

“Yeah, I mean I get off sometimes. I just I don’t particularly care for the process, but sometimes my body needs it.” 

“Like wet dreams?” 

“Sometimes, but more often it’s because my body just responds to something, or I wake up like that and need to get rid of it.” 

Dan looked at him open-mouthed, “Your body responds to what?” 

“Like when we are sleeping in the same bed and you are all warm and soft next to me, my body just kind of goes ‘incoming! sex may be happening!’ like an alarm or something.”

“Wait,” Dan said, holding up a hand. “You get hard because of me?” 

“Well, it’s an unconscious reaction. I’ll wake up like that sometimes, but it’ll go away because my mind isn’t in on it.” 

“Interesting.” 

“It’s a physical thing, where my sexuality is more of a conscious thing. One I can’t help, but it’s still there.” 

“Hmm,” Dan said, thinking. “But then there are times you actually get yourself off?” 

“Yeah, I have to. Remember I can count on both hands how much I’ve done it.” Phil said, “Sometimes I even kind of like it.” 

“I want to understand,” Dan said sitting up on his knees to face Phil. “What does it feel like, like does sex and all things associated with it like gross you out?” 

“No, not entirely,” Phil said, “It’s hard to explain. It’s more like a disconnect, or like my brain doesn’t register it as something good. Like it doesn’t interest me, but it does. It interests me because so many people like it so much, but thinking of actually doing it makes me feel not really wrong or dirty but more like something is wrong?” 

“Like sticking your hand in the bin and feeling something slimy?” 

“No,” Phil said wrinkling up his nose, “that’s just gross. More like if you went to sleep and woke up and the whole world was literally turned upside down, it’s disorienting but also something I recognize. The fact that I understand it, but don’t understand it all at the same time is what makes it worse.”

Dan nodded. “Like me hearing about someone’s cute fluffy pet, but then seeing that it’s a tarantula?” 

“Kind of.” Phil smiled. “Probably the best analogy, like not the fear you have of spiders, but the not understanding how someone would like that, even though you understand it’s their pet.” 

“Yeah, I don’t know how people like that.” Dan said, shivered, “I get that it’s a pet, but them liking it is the thing that gets me, I don’t understand it, but I do understand it all at the same time.” 

Phil nodded. “There’s a little more to it with me, but that’s a start.” 

“So you want to experiment with my tarantula or yours?” Dan asked smirking. Phil full out laughed, and grabbed Dan, pulling him into a bear hug, “Oww not so rough!” 

“Oh my god!” Phil pulled back so fast Dan almost fell off the couch, “Did I hurt you?” 

“Only a little.” Dan said smiling. “I’m okay.” He leaned forward and gave Phil a peck on the lips. 

_______

Dan showed up with his laundry basket and didn’t say anything. Phil didn’t ask any questions, just opened the door, stepped aside, and followed Dan down the hall and to his washer. 

“He just took a sock!” Dan said as he tossed a pair of jeans into the washer. “I mean who does that? What is he going to do with it?” Phil shrugged, as he just watched Dan continue filling his washing machine. “Thanks for letting me use your machine.”

Phil smiled. “You can use it anytime.” 

“Thanks. I’ll try the laundry at school again, but I don’t have high hopes.” 

“I like it.” Phil said, “makes it feel like you kind of live here already.” 

Dan smiled, “It does kind of.” 

“Aren’t you going to wash those?” Phil asked, looking down. 

“What?” 

“Your jeans.” 

“Well I would, but then I would be naked from the waist down,” Dan said, the tips of his ears turning red. 

Phil’s eyes popped, “I don’t know if that would be too terrible?” 

“I mean like nothing,” Dan said, “I am washing all my pants.” 

“Okay.” 

“Okay?” 

“Tarantula?” Phil said, “I picked up some things from the store.”

“Things?” 

“How do you feel about cherry flavoring?” 

“What on earth are we talking about?” Dan said, thoroughly confused. “I thought you meant sex stuff when you said tarantula.” He chuckled. 

“I did.” 

“Then what the heck is cherry flavored?” 

Phil walked into his bedroom and returned holding a small red and black bottle. “Lube.” 

“Are you sure? I mean lube is pretty big. I thought maybe we would start with kissing and touching, then move to hands or something.” Dan said, gently taking the small bottle from Phil. 

“Okay, but I did want it just in case. I also got condoms.” 

“How long have you had these things?” Dan asked putting the lube down on the counter. 

“Since before you got sick. I just wanted to be prepared, but then I needed time to get used to the idea we might use them.” 

“Oh, and how are you now feeling now?” Dan said, stepping closer, “I don’t want you to feel like this is something you have to do.” 

“I know,” Phil said, taking Dan’s hands and leading him into the bedroom, “I have been thinking about this a lot. I love you so much, I want to try this with you, I want to at least make you feel good.” 

“But we don’t have to do anything involving lube or condoms, or naked body parts for you to make me feel good Phil,” Dan said as they sat on the edge of Phil’s bed. “I would rather do things that we both like. That would make me feel good.” 

“I get that,” Phil nodded, “But I also want to try. There are people like me who do enjoy doing things with their partners. I want to at least try things, maybe I could like something with you. I already know I like to kiss and cuddle you, I like to touch you, so maybe there are other things I like to do with you. Maybe by some miracle, I would even like to have sex with you.” 

Dan smiled, “From the face you just made when you said that, I doubt that is actually something you want. Phil it really is okay, you don’t have to want that. Not everyone likes playing video games, or hiking. Sex is just another activity one person does with another. It would be very unlikely that everyone likes sex, and it’s okay if they don’t.” 

“But sex is how people show love.” 

“Not the only way, I know you love me from so many other things. I don’t need you to have sex with me to show me that.” Dan smiled. “You know I love you right?” Phil nodded, “I didn’t have sex with you and you know that, why should I be any different?” 

“I guess.” Phil sighed, “I still would like to try things.” 

“We can try things, but I want you to know one hundred percent that it isn’t necessary for me, nor is it necessary for us to be together.” 

“Okay,” Phil said, smiling. 

“You just have to stop or let me know to stop if it is too much or if you are uncomfortable about something. And this time I mean it, you need to let me know, I don’t want to upset you.” 

“I will,” Phil said, then laughed, “We already have a safe word.” 

“We do?” 

“Tarantula,” Phil smiled. 

Dan laughed, “yeah, okay. If you say tarantula we stop everything.” 

“Okay.” Phil nodded, “If we don’t need to stop, but maybe just slow down, or change something I’ll just say so.” 

“Good.” Dan said, “I want you to enjoy it too.” 

“I hope I do,” Phil said, sliding his fingers between Dan’s where his hand rested on the duvet. “I’m nervous, but excited to try with you.” 

Dan smiled. “Me too.” 

_______

“Oh my god.” Dan said, “it’s everywhere.” 

“I think we used too much.” 

“Yeah, I think so too,” Dan said, “well if one thing, Phil, how do you feel about handjobs now?” 

“Slippery.” 

Dan laughed. “Yeah, everything is. I think your duvet may be ruined.” 

“Yeah,” Phil sighed looking at the bright red stains over it. “It looks like an ice lolly melted all over the place.” 

“It smells like it too,” Dan said, standing up. “I think we should shower, and then clean up, put on some comfy clothes, and watch a movie while snuggled on the couch.” 

“What about this?” Phil said gesturing to the bed.

“We’ll through the duvet in the washer.” 

“Not that.” Phil said, “I mean the sex stuff we only made out for a bit, then the cherry-explosion happened.” 

“I think maybe we should wait, maybe it’s not the right time.” 

“Yeah,” Phil sighed, “sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize.” Dan said, “I’d hug you right now, but I’d be afraid of slipping out of each other’s arms like a bar of soap. It’s not your fault. Plus just think of this as a funny way to break the tension. Makes it all feel a little less serious.” 

“True.” Phil smiled. “For what it’s worth, I was liking it.” 

“I know I could tell,” Dan smirked. “I was too, maybe later tonight we try again. But right now, we can still enjoy some things, like taking a shower. I’m not going to lie, I won’t hate seeing you naked.” 

Phil blushed. “Will it make you excited? Just seeing me?” 

“Probably.” Dan nodded and took Phil by the hand into the bathroom. 

“I wish that worked for me.” 

Dan turned to him, “It doesn’t have to.” 

“I know, but I still wish I was like that.” 

“I wish I could slow time down, but I can’t. I wish we could have everything, unfortunately for you though, you have a loving, currently very slippery boyfriend who loves the snot out of you. Guess you’ll just have to live with it.” Dan said and wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck to kiss him. 

Phil laughed. “Yeah, okay, I guess I can live with that.” 

“Good, now get naked Lester we have cherry lube to wash off and movies to watch,” Dan said, letting go and turned on the shower. 

______

“Tarantula,” Phil said, “Sorry.” 

Dan sat up panting, “Don’t apologize. New rule, Phil will no longer apologize when he needs to use the safe word.” 

“I just know you were liking that.” 

“Yeah, but you didn’t,” Dan said, combing his fingers though Phil’s hair. “We both need to like it, that is the important thing. We’ve found a few things we both like now, and who knows what other things we could figure out in the future. This was just not for you, and that is perfectly okay.” 

“Do you want me to do something else so you can finish?” Phil said gesturing to Dan’s hard on trapped in his boxers. 

“Yeah,” Dan smiled, “come here and cuddle me.” 

“That won’t get you off though.” 

“I don’t care, I just want to be close to you right now,” Dan said and opened his arms for Phil. 

“You sure? I can…” 

“Shut up and snuggle me goddamnit.” 

Phil laughed and did as he was told. “Maybe tomorrow?” 

“Maybe.” Dan sighed, his head resting on Phil’s chest. “Right now this is perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter!! I like it a lot actually, if i can toot my own horn for a second. Please let me know if you did too, it really does help me. I get anxious about sexuality talk, because I truly don't wat to offend anyone. I really just want people to be happy, and hope that this fic is a happy one for my readers. <3


	5. Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More experiments, Christmas up north, and Valentine's day in India. A video that makes Dan cry like a baby in public and happy boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just love. All of it. 
> 
> It's short and sweet, but fun. 
> 
> Tw/tag: before the first break, a little light-ish smut. And I think that's it...

“That feels nice,” Phil said, his eyes closed. 

“Yeah?” 

“Uhuh.” 

Dan leaned down and kissed Phil’s neck, “I like it too.” 

Phil smiled into the pillow, “I think we can add this to the list.” 

“Oh yeah?” Dan said, his breathing quickened a little, “Will this get you there?”

“Maybe?” Phil said, “But if not it still feels nice. How about you?” 

“Yeah, I can come from this.” Dan said and moved his hips, “You sure this isn’t too much?” 

“Mhmm.” Phil sighed, “Just keep going, keep making your sounds so I know you like it, that seems to help me.” 

“I can do that,” Dan said, and moaned with his face next to Phil’s ear, he hands on either side of Phil’s shoulders and his hips lined up with Phil’s. His panting breaths ghosting over Phil’s neck made him shiver. Phil tightened his legs together, even more, causing a gasp and another moan to escape, “Going to make me come if you keep doing that,” Dan huffed.

“Thought that was the point,” Phil said, looking back over his shoulder. Dan kept moving as their eyes locked. 

“Still good?” Dan said, straining a little, “Do you want me to pull back when I come?” 

“No, stay where you are, keep going, it still feels good to me,” Phil said and put his head down on the pillow. He arched his back a little and heard Dan groan from the new angle, an angle that changed things for him too. Sparks flew through his body, and at first, he almost stopped everything, and Dan must have noticed him tense up because he stopped all movement. “Keep going,” Phil said, though, because he relaxed and thought about how Dan would stop if he needed him to. Dan started moving again slowly, not sure if he should, “Please,” Phil said into the pillow, “like before, it was good like that.” 

Dan moved his hips faster and Phil tipped his hips more, making his legs tighten around Dan, “Holy fuck Phil.” 

Phil was speechless, tingles covered his body, his skin was so sensitive to every breath and touch. His own dick was maddeningly hard from the stimulation and the reactions from Dan, he wanted it so badly, and to his amazement, it was working, he was okay, he was liking what they were doing.

He actually let out a tiny moan himself when Dan moved against him hitting some spot between his legs, it was all so new and scary but not all at the same time, then Dan’s movements faltered, he panted into Phil’s neck. Phil knew what was coming, what was about to happen, and his own body tensed, as if waiting to be hit, but then a warmth spread between his legs and Dan moaned his name into his ear. Then he was there himself. His body responding to Dan, his balls tightened and as Dan pressed light kisses to his shoulder and lay still, he came. He came for the first time because of someone else, not just someone, because of Dan, because of what Dan was doing, and had done.

Dan pulled away quickly and Phil shivered. He realized he was crying. He was sobbing into the pillow. He felt a light touch on his shoulder, and he turned to see Dan who looked stricken. Phil smiled and wiped his eyes. “It was good. I didn’t know I was even crying. It was just, so much, but not too much. Don’t worry you didn’t do anything wrong. Sorry for scaring you.” 

Dan let out a sob and curled into him, “I thought I went too far. I thought…” Dan sobbed into his neck, “I thought I wrecked everything, I thought I hurt you.” 

“Didn’t hurt me. It was just so much.” Phil said, pulling back to look at him. “I guess my body kind of went a little haywire at the end, this is all so new.” 

“So you’re okay?” Dan sniffed and wiped his cheeks with his hands. 

“Yes, I’m good,” Phil smiled and kissed him. “I’m so happy right now.”

“Really?” 

“Yes, I can actually do something sexual not just kissing and touching and enjoy it.” Phil smiled, “I did have a moment or two where I thought I was going to have to stop, but then something would change and it was good again.” 

“You just let me keep going even though you wanted me to stop?” Dan said, pulling away. 

“No, no, it was like a flash, a second or two where I felt like I might, but then I didn’t, it felt good, and I liked that I could do that for you, and more importantly with you.” 

“You sure?” Dan said skeptically, “if you didn’t like it you promise you’d tell me.” 

“I promise.” Phil smiled and cupped Dan’s cheek brushing a tear away. “I don’t know if I can handle doing it very often, but it was good right now. I loved being with you like that.” 

Dan looked at him for a moment, worry still stitched across his face, “I want you to know, we don’t have to ever do that again if you don’t want to.” 

“I know,” Phil said, kissing his lips softly, “that was one of the things that helped me calm down enough to enjoy how it all felt. Knowing that you would stop, no matter what. Not only that you would stop, but that you would stop and still love me.” 

“Always,” Dan said, he leaned forward and kissed Phil again. “Stay right here, let me go get a cloth.” He hurried into the bathroom. He came back in with a wet flannel and tended to Phil, who made a face as he moved and could feel fluid slipping down his legs. 

“Okay, this part I really don’t like,” Phil said, as he rolled over and Dan continued to clean him. 

“Sorry, do you want to do it?” Dan said, putting his hands in the air. 

Phil laughed, “Not like that, it just makes me cold and feels kind of gross, but it isn’t like a normal repulsion thing.” 

“Yeah,” Dan nodded, “Cold jizz and lube sliding down my legs, I don’t know if I would like it too much either. How about we take a nice warm shower and order some pizza then play a nice game of Mario Kart?” 

“Is this what they call aftercare?”

“It can be.” Dan smiled. “I like taking care of my boyfriend.”

Phil smiled, “Yeah, that all sounds really nice, but can we cuddle and watch Buffy instead of Mario?” 

“Whatever you want,” Dan said, pulling Phil up and into the bathroom. 

“Thank you for being so great. I think I just need to be cozy tonight.” 

“I am just treating you like you should be treated.” Dan said, turning on the shower, “I just want you to be happy. Are you?” 

Phil smiled, “I have never been happier.” 

_______

Phil finally talked Dan into filming on his channel, and as he suspected Dan was a hit with his subscribers. What he didn’t anticipate was the shipping, and that made him uncomfortable. He came across some fanart that really made him upset. When Dan came back to the apartment he could tell something was bugging Phil. “What’s the matter? Did something happen?” 

“It’s silly,” Phil said, “Just something I saw that just kind of made me feel icky.” 

“Icky?” Dan said, raising his eyebrows, “like what?” 

“Some fanart someone drew of us.” 

“Oh?” Dan asked, “What’s the matter with that?” 

“Nothing normally, but it was smut art. It made me really uncomfortable.” 

“Oh.” Dan said, “Yeah, I could see why that would upset you. It would probably upset me too. I don’t really like the idea of people drawing us having sex.” 

Phil cringed at the word. “Yeah, it was pretty graphic. Normally smut art doesn’t bother me, but when it’s smut art about us I feel uncomfortable.” 

“Your followers are pretty good about things, just talk to them about how it makes you feel, they’d stop if you asked.” 

Phil shook his head, “I can’t even kind of imagine saying such things. I couldn’t do it.” 

“Do you want me to say something?” 

Phil shook his head again, “Just leave it, if I ignore it, it’ll be fine.” 

“Okay, if you’re sure. I don’t mind saying something. I don’t even have to bring you into the conversation if you don’t want.” 

“Yeah, I’m sure. For now just leave it.” Phil said, giving a weak smile. “I’ll be fine I doubt there’ll be too much, I can avoid it.” 

A week later, however, he found another painting of he and Dan in compromising positions. Then two days after that he discovered an entire blog dedicated to it. Dan decided enough was enough. So he used his own youtube channel and made a video about shipping. He also mentioned how he thought it was weird that people thought that way about him and his friend. Not only did it make the situation worse, but it also made Phil even more uncomfortable. They had discussed it before he had uploaded the video, but neither knew it would backfire so much. 

Dan felt terrible, so did Phil, but soon they both accepted that it was now part of their presence online. “They’re creative at least,” Phil said, smiling over his shoulder at Dan. 

“Who are?” Dan said coming to see Phil’s laptop screen. 

“I mean we could never have sex as mermen. How would that even work?” Phil said, chuckling. 

“You’re not freaking out?” 

“I think I found a way to look at it so it doesn’t upset me.” 

“Oh?” Dan said sitting on Phil’s knee and clicked through a few more pictures “How?” 

“I just think of it as a creative outlet. It’s not really us. Obviously, we don’t have tails or puppy ears,” Phil said, gesturing to the screen again. “Even when they are realistic, they aren’t. They are just art and if people want to make those types of things, let them. I guess it’s kind of flattering.” 

Dan turned to look at Phil, “Flattering? How would this be considered flattering?” He said as he stopped on a picture that was pretty realistic aside from Phil having tentacles and shoving said tentacles into Dan from all angles. 

“I mean, that we inspire art. This person is clearly talented. They could have done tentacle porn of anyone, but they chose to use us as the subject.” 

Dan laughed and stood up, “You Phil Lester amaze me every day.” 

Phil beamed and went back to scrolling. 

______

Even though they both lived about fifteen minutes from their parent’s houses, they both wanted to go back to stay for the Christmas holiday. 

“Don’t you two look cozy?” Mrs. Lester said coming into the lounge one afternoon to find them practically wrapped around each other under a soft throw blanket on the couch as they halfheartedly watched Arthur Christmas for the millionth time. They sat up when she came into the room, so she could sit down. She didn’t. “Did you see outside?

“What’s out there?” Phil yawned and stretched. 

“Lots of snow.” She beamed. “It looks perfect out there.”

“Yeah?” Phil beamed as he got up and walked to the window. “Holy crap, I just had the best idea.” He said and practically ran upstairs. 

Mrs. Lester laughed, and sat next to Dan, “What do you think that was about?” 

“Probably a video idea. He has been wanting to make one while we’re here but said he just didn’t have any ideas. He was kind of frustrated about it.” Dan smiled and looked towards the door Phil left through. 

“You really do love him don’t you.” She said, surprising him a little. 

“I really do.” Dan said smiling, “Have for as long as I can remember.” 

“We always knew you boys had something special, I can’t tell you how happy we all are that you are officially together.”

“Well we’re official to people we know, but aside from that we kind of keep it quiet. We just don’t want our relationship to be a public thing.” 

“Whatever you both want is something we all can accept. I don’t know if I entirely understand, but if it makes you two happy then who are we to say anything?” She smiled. 

“Who knows,” Dan said, “maybe years from now when we’re married and have a house of our own we’ll be public about it. Just right now, we want to keep it between us and the people we care about the most.” 

She sniffed, “Married and a house. That will be so wonderful.” 

Dan nodded, “We’re nowhere close to that, but maybe ten years? We’re not in a rush. I’m still at uni, and Phil is becoming famous.” Dan smiled. 

“Famous.” she chuckled, “I don’t know about famous, maybe popular.” 

“Just wait, he’ll be famous one day.” 

“Well if anyone deserves it, he does.” She smiled. She patted Dan’s knee, “How are classes going?”

“Eh.” Dan shrugged, “The only thing keeping me from going crazy while reading all that crap is Phil.” 

She laughed, “Not enjoying it then? It’s not too late to go to uni for something else.” 

“My parents just love the idea of a lawyer, I don’t think I can disappoint them like that.” 

“Your parents just want you to be happy.” 

“Maybe it’ll get better,” Dan said smiling. 

“Maybe.” She nodded, then Phil burst through the door. 

“I have had the most brilliant idea for a Christmas video!”

The next two days, Dan, Phil, and occasionally Mrs. Lester filmed Phil’s epic Christmas adventure, as he liked to called it. They edited at night while they filmed and set up scenes during the day. Phil was a man on a mission and Dan could only watch as Phil’s mind worked a million miles a minute. Finally, the video was done, or rather, videos, since the Christmas adventure consisted of many small videos. Dan had never seen Phil more proud of anything he had ever done. Phil uploaded it and turned to Dan smiling. “It’s up. Thank you for helping me, that was the best.”

“I didn’t know I had a choice,” Dan said laughing. 

“You really didn’t. “ 

“Well then, I guess thank you for including me in your epic film. I can see you love it.” 

“I do. I’m so glad you finally started filming on my channel.” 

“I didn’t know I had a choice,” Dan said quietly, then leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Phil’s lips. “I love watching you get so passionate about something and then finish it. I freaking love you Phil Lester. You inspire me so much.” He kissed him again and wrapped his arms around his neck. 

Phil pulled him close, “I couldn’t have done it without you.” He sighed as he pulled Dan with him to bed, where they kissed and cuddled until they fell asleep tangled together under the duvet. 

Christmas itself was great, their families came together as they had for years and years. The annual hot cocoa, cookies, and Christmas movie marathon at the Howell’s, and Game night at the Lester’s. Dan stayed at Phil’s on Christmas eve, and Phil stayed at Dan’s on Christmas day. Two nights of stockings and two nights of coming downstairs to open gifts in the morning before big breakfasts. Then delicious roast dinners and poppers with terrible jokes and cheap toys at each house both nights. 

_______

“I hate that we couldn’t spend Valentine’s Day together.” Dan sighed as he looked at a very pixelated Phil on his laptop screen. “I mean we can’t even really talk to each other. This internet situation is pathetic.”Dan growled as the screen froze. Phil said something but Dan couldn’t understand, then the picture froze again, then went black. Dan huffed and slammed the computer closed. He was tempted to throw it across the room he was sharing with his brother, but decided that would be the worst idea. He lay back and stared at the ceiling for a while before he fell asleep. 

When he woke he saw that Phil had sent him a video. He watched in a corner of the main building of the resort he and his family were staying at because it had better internet. He didn’t realize it would make him cry like a baby, however, so he tried to be quiet and ducked behind the screen as he watched it about twenty times. Phil was wonderful, and he was so happy Phil was his. 

“Did you get my valentines present?” Phil asked him that night when they actually could get a connection on Skype. 

“Yes!” Dan said, “You made me cry in public. I love you so fucking much you twerp. I thought we said we weren't doing anything for valentine’s day?” 

“I know we said that but we couldn’t even talk because of the stupid internet and I was bored, so I just wanted to send you something. Sorry I made you cry in public.” Phil beamed. 

“You don’t look like your sorry,” Dan said, laughing. 

“I’m not really,” Phil said, his eyes scanning over Dan on his screen. “I miss your face.” 

“Yeah, well I miss your everything, I can’t wait to get back so I can see you.” 

“Me too.” 

As soon as their plane landed Dan had his phone on and texted Phil to let them know they were back in the UK. Instead of returning to his parent’s home, or his dorm, he went directly to Phil’s apartment. “You think we’ll be together forever?” He said as they lay in bed later that evening.

“I hope so.” Phil sighed as he played absently with Dan’s fingers. “I can’t imagine anything that could break us up.” He had an idea but he didn’t want to say it.

“You don’t?” Dan asked tipping his head up so he could look at Phil. “Are you finally over the idea of me leaving you for someone who would sex me all night long?” 

“Sex you all night long?” Phil chuckled. 

“Shut up, my dad had his stupid music on in the car.” 

“What does that have to do with anything?” 

“There’s a song, ‘all night long’ or some shit, like from the 80’s I think. Either way, you aren’t afraid I’ll leave you because of the whole asexual thing?” 

“I mean a tiny little part of me does, but the rest of me trusts you,” Phil said, smoothing his hand down Dan’s back. “I know you love me, so I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.” 

“I wouldn’t, and I do, so much,” Dan said, leaning up and kissing Phil. “It wouldn’t matter to me if we only thing we did was this every day for the rest of our lives.” 

“Me too,” Phil smiled, “But sometimes it’s good to do other things.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Mhmm.” Phil said, “I trust you, so I can relax and let my body enjoy things. I don’t think there is any way I could feel the same about another person. I love being closer to you than any other person.”

“Good, you’re all mine Lester, and don’t you forget it, no matter what happens,” Dan said and put his head back down on Phil’s chest. “And I’m yours forever if you want me.” 

“I definitely do, Howell. I’ll only ever want you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost done, just the epilogue to wrap it all up and we're done. It'll be up tomorrow. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. If you liked it let me know please and thank you!! It's also on my tumblr if you want to reblog it, or like it there please do too. :D


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forever home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phil gave me inspiration for this chapter after talking about looking at his family house on Google earth.

“What do you think of this color?” Dan said holding up a paint swatch. 

“I like it, but where do you want it. It might be kind of dark.” Phil said stepping closer to him and taking the small piece of paper. “Midnight forest?” Phil laughed, “you sure you want this color? It might be too scary.” 

“Shut up. I thought it was a good color for an accent wall in the spare room or maybe our room.” 

“Accent wall?” Phil said trying to hold back a grin, “Have my house remodel shows been rubbing off on you too?” 

“Yes, how could they not?” Dan said taking the swatch back and looking for more on the wall of colors. “Ever since we decided to buy a house that’s all you’ve been watching. How could it not rub off on me? I dream about it every night.” 

“Good,” Phil said, then picked up a bright yellow swatch. “Okay what about this for the spare room, and the scary woods blue for our room?” 

“You are so funny,” Dan said and looked at the color Phil was holding. “That’s fine. I guess our guests could have a cheerful colour in their room. Your mum will love it.” 

“Obviously,” Phil said, looking back at the swatches on the wall. “Why do you think I picked it.” 

“Here what about this nice grey to go on the other walls of our room?” Dan said, holding up a light blue-gray swatch, “I think they look nice together.”

“Yeah, I like them. You sure you want the bedroom so dark though?” 

“The gray is very light.” 

“Yeah okay,” Phil nodded. “I like it, can I pick the wall that gets to be the accent then?” 

Dan looked dubious, “You can, but I get to veto if I hate it.” 

“Fine.” Phil nodded. 

They finished their paint order and paid at the till. As they walked out the front doors of the store they heard someone call after them. 

“Oh my god!” She said jogging up to them. “Hi! I doubt you remember me,” She panted, as they looked down at her. “My name is Emily, I met you, I think like ten or so years ago.” 

Phil’s smile faltered for a moment, he remembered, “Oh yeah, I do remember you.” 

“Holy crap you do?” She said looking shocked. “Well anyway, I just wanted to say, hi, and I’m sorry I was such a twat back then.” She laughed nervously, “I was such a…” 

“You were fine,” Phil said smiling. “How are you?” 

“I’m good, I’m glad to see you two are still together,” She smiled up at Dan. “Not going to lie, looking back at that night, I don’t know how we didn’t see we were intruding on you guys. And writing my number on the back of your hand.” She shook her head, “I don’t know what got into me, I normally wasn’t that pushy. I guess watching your videos I kind of felt like I knew you or something, but you obviously didn’t know me.” 

“It’s okay, really.” Dan smiled, “If anything we should maybe thank you.” 

“Why?” She asked her eyebrows shooting up in surprise. 

“That night Phil and I made our relationship official. You and your friend were catalysts of sorts.”

“Really?” She smiled, “I’m glad. I have to admit, I wasn’t sure now if you two were together as a couple or what. I’m glad we could help in our annoying teenagery way.” 

Phil laughed, “We are too.”

“I had heard randomly that you guys were a couple not that long ago,” She said, “Brit and I kind of fell out of paying attention to most YouTube when we had kids. We do follow your friend Louise though.” She smiled, “When I had my second daughter she had Pearl so I was watching a lot of mommy Youtubers.” 

Dan laughed, “Yeah I could see how our stuff wouldn’t resonate with you too much then.” 

“Who knows maybe I’ll hop back on the bandwagon now that I met you guys again. Have you moved from London then?” 

“Yeah,” Dan said looking at Phil. “This one’s childhood home went up for sale and he wanted to buy it.” 

“Really?” She said, looking at Phil, “You bought your parent’s old house?” 

“I know,” Phil said, smiling, “I’m too sentimental for my own good.” 

“It’s kind of sweet actually,” She said. 

“He’s a big ol’sap,” Dan said linking his arm with Phil’s. “I’m not letting him decorate it the same way though. No creepy dolls in our house.” 

She smiled, “Sorry, we’ve been here talking so long. I just wanted to apologize for being pushy way back when. Now look at me taking up your time, I’m sure you have somewhere to be. My husband will probably think I ran off and left him.” she laughed, I just spotted you guys and ran off. 

Dan laughed, “Better go reassure him then. It was nice seeing you again.” 

“You too,” She smiled, “If you guys have kids, who knows maybe we’ll meet up again at a school function now that you're back here. We only live about ten minutes away from this store.” 

“Us too,” Phil said, “maybe we will then.”

As soon as she turned and walked back into the store, they burst out laughing. “Who would have thought we’d run into her again?” Dan said as he hit the unlock button on his car key. 

“I know, although I could never forget her. She was terrible to watch a movie with, but I’m glad we met her all those years ago.” Phil said, leaning his head back on the headrest. He slipped his fingers between Dan’s. 

“Me too.” Dan smiled and kissed the back of Phil’s knuckles. “Ready to go home?” 

“Yes please.” Phil nodded, “I told Martyn we’d have the house ready for painting by the time they got here tomorrow. 

“I still say we should have just hired some painters and escaped to a bed and breakfast for a few days.” 

“Why spend the money? We’re all capable of painting. Besides, I think it might be fun, adding our own touches to the house.”

“Yeah okay.” Dan smiled. “Won’t our own touches count as the new master suite and the downstairs game and theater room?” 

“Yeah, but we didn’t do those. We hired people to do them.” Phil said, “This is something we can do to personalize it.” 

“Alright, your logic is impeccable,” Dan said as he turned the car onto their block. “It’s funny it still feels like I am going over to your house. Not that that means anything since your house felt just as much like my home as my own did, if not more so. You were there after all.” 

“Now who’s the big ol’sap?” Phil said as he pushed the button for the automatic gate at the end of their drive. 

“Fine, we’re both terrible.” Dan laughed as he pulled up outside the garage. 

_______

“Why didn’t you guys hire painters?” Martyn complained as he sprawled on the couch in the lounge. His face and clothes were paint splattered, and his hair was covered by a handkerchief.

“I told you already,” Phil said, looking just as paint covered. 

‘Yeah, well, I think you also forgot how many freaking walls there are in here.” 

“We’re almost done,” Dan said, walking into the room carrying a tray with cups, water in a pitcher, and popcorn in a bowl. “We’ll take a break now, work for a few more hours. Then get cleaned up and we’ll take you and Cor out to a good dinner.”

“I heard my name?” Cornelia said walking into the room carrying a tray of sandwiches and cakes. She set them down on the coffee table and sat next to Martyn on the sofa. 

“Just said we’re taking you guys out to dinner tonight,” Dan said taking a sandwich and biting into it. 

“Oh, you guys don’t have to do that.” She said, waving her hand dismissively. 

“Shut up you.” Martyn said, laughing, “If my little brother is going to fork over some cash for dinner, I am certainly going to eat it.” 

“Your little brother may not pay for your dinner with that attitude,” Phil said, tossing a kernel of popcorn at him. “But really, we want to bring you guys out. Aside from all the whining, it’s been fun having you guys help.” 

______

“Thanks for helping us guys,” Phil said as he walked with Martyn and Cornelia into the train station. 

“It was absolutely no problem.” She said, “It was fun, I love what you guys did with the house. We can’t wait to visit when it’s all done.” 

“Yeah,” Martyn said, “Mum is going to flip when she sees their old room. She will be so pissed at dad.” 

“She always did want a whirlpool tub,” Phil said laughing. “That’s one of the reasons we put one in the guest bathroom too.” 

“That was nice.” Cornelia nodded, “I think we might need to get one now,” She looked up at Martyn. He glared at Phil, making Cornelia laugh. “You can use it too, you big whiner.” 

“I had better.” He said laughing. “You don’t have to wait with us you know Phil, the train will be here in a few minutes. If you leave now you can beat the traffic. 

“You sure? I don’t mind.” 

“We’re sure babe.” Cornelia smiled. “It was fun. We’ll see you and Dan soon. Don’t forget we have a big meeting for the new merch launch next month.” 

“I remember,” Phil said bending down a little to hug her goodbye. “You guys will have to come back soon when the house is all finished.” 

“Don’t worry we will be here,” Martyn said, hugging Phil. “Mum will love it.” 

“I hope so,” Phil said.

“She will, honey, it already looks amazing and the furniture isn't even there yet.” 

“Oh, shit!” Phil said, “I do have to go, the designer is coming today to see the colors and stuff. She also wants to check all her measurements. I promised Dan I’d come right home.” 

Martyn smiled, “You better go then, don’t want to get you in trouble.” 

“I probably already am.” Phil laughed. “Thanks again guys, call when you get home so we know you made it.” 

“Yes, dad,” Martyn said and waved him off. “Go home to your man already!” 

“Bye guys,” Phil said waving and turning towards the car park. 

Phil was getting used to driving, he still wasn’t the best, and taking lessons again was a bit embarrassing since he was closer to 40 than he would have liked, but it did help him feel safer behind the wheel. He pulled up to the garage and hopped out as he noticed the designer’s car at the curb. He opened the door and walked in. “Dan, Carla?” 

He could hear them talking as he walked up the stairs to the landing. “We’re in here” Dan called out. “Your room.” 

Phil walked down the hall and turned into the room that once was his. He was struck seeing Dan standing there with their decorator talking about paint colour and furniture. “Anything is an improvement from what it used to be,” He said, leaning in to give Dan a peck and the cheek, then shook Carla’s hand. 

“No kidding,” Dan laughed. “You should have seen it when we were growing up, you would have had decorator nightmares. Neon green carpet, blue and green striped wallpaper, it was terrible.”

“Neon green?” She said, “I don’t think they even make that colour anymore.” 

“A true blessing,” Dan said smiling. 

“Now, I know this is going to be one of the guest rooms, but the wall color is neutral enough it could easily be converted into a child's room.” Carla said getting back to business, “That is if you two plan on having kids.” 

“Maybe,” Dan said, looking at Phil. “It has been discussed. Not for a few years at least.” 

“Okay well, I will put in just enough to make it comfortable for guests but leave it open enough that it will be easy to switch it if you decide to in the future.” 

“That sounds great.,” Phil said taking Dan’s hand. Dan smiled at him, his eyes shining. 

_____ 

“A child’s room,” Phil said, as they lay in bed. “How crazy is it that? My old bedroom could possibly be our kid’s room.”

“I know,” Dan said his head resting on Phil’s chest. “I’m so glad we bought this house.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, I know I wasn’t sure at first. Moving all the way back up north. Leaving London and our friends, but it was time to buy a house. We can always go back to London to visit, that won't be too hard. Besides Martyn and Cor live there so we can stay with them when we have to go down for business. Soon we’ll get a dog, and have family Christmas’, and movie nights with friends. Then we’ll have kids and sleepovers and big breakfasts, first days of school, summers by the pool, and snow up to our knees. I am so glad you’re so sentimental. Otherwise, we would have never known this place was up for grabs.”

“Isn’t it funny?” Phil said, kissing the top of Dan’s head, “we first fell in love here all those years ago. I never would have thought all this would have happened.” 

“Yeah,” Dan said, “I’m so glad it did. All of it, even some of the bad stuff. It all made us, us.” 

“Mhmm.” Phil nodded, “Thank you for loving me.” 

“I’d be a complete fool if I didn’t.” Dan said smiling against his skin, “You’re amazing Phil.” 

Phil chuckled and playfully smacked Dan’s butt. “You’re amazing too you know.” 

“Obviously,” Dan said and kissed Phil’s chest where his head was resting. “I’m going to love you forever Lester, just so you know.” 

“I know you are,” Phil said laughing, Dan bit his nipple after he didn’t reciprocate. “Oww, okay, okay. I’m going to love you forever too.” He pulled Dan up and kissed him, their teeth clacking together because they were both grinning like happy idiots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading guys. It was a challenge to write some of it, but never a challenge to write these two boys in love.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. Don’t be shy and leave me a kudos or comment to let me know how you like it. It’s pretty different from my other fics. Less humor in this than most. I am nervous about writing this Fic since it is very outside my comfort zone. An AU and asexuality are two concepts I don’t normally tackle. I have it completely written and will upload everyday or every other day until it's complete.


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